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The Price Of Honesty

The Five Fish: The Price Of Honesty

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The Price Of Honesty

Funny about blogs. I have been reading all over about so many
bloggers celebrating their blog-o-versary.
Today was mine.

Silent hooray.

The only problem is that all day today I have been in damage control mode because I am a blogger of total and pure honesty. So much so that now my in-laws dislike me even more than they did before. I generated a post that created a LOT and I do mean A LOT of emotion, pure, raw honesty, pain, feelings, hurt, sadness, the whole gamut. I hurt feelings with the cold splash of truthful water being dashed in faces. I called out obvious truths that may not have been my place to call out, but I did so anyway. My only way of retraction and damage control is removal. Now.......I stand alone. On the anniversary of my blog.....crying, angry, upset that in the one place I found solace, the one place I had total control of my feelings, my words, my expressions, where I sought therapy, comfort from so many of my blog friends, and believe me you know who you are otherwise I will be here all night listing you and then emailing back and forth, I am afraid to speak my truths, to share my voice, the voice so many of you applaud for boldness, for the intensity of being HONEST and open, and unafraid. I now am afraid to write.

I write this post with the heaviest heart, at a cross roads of "to blog or not to blog" on the night of my blog anniversary. With no celebration. No fantastic giveaway or review to share today (which I so desperately want to do), not even a witty story to share about the kids or myself.

I truly felt this was my one safe share with my friends. The REAL LIFE shit. No bullshit, no filler, no effing sugar coated candy shit. This is my LIFE! For all the crap that exists, for all the happiness I experience, the pain I feel, the sadness, the loss, the comedy, the tragedy, the fun, the highs, the lows, this is life from every aspect. But now I am paying the price.

My life has always been hard work. And I guess I was delusional enough to think that the price of maintaining a blog with the pure honesty that people, including myself, love, live, and thrive for is too heavy of a price. I am lost. I am not wanting to blog when I want to, when I feel I have an obligation based on my agreements, when so much to be said cannot for fear of retaliation for sharing MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, MY WORDS, on MY BLOG!!!

I found I have readers who remain anonymous, for what reason I do not know. I have readers I did not know I had or lied about knowing that I write, and I write in a very open forum. But it's those readers that are pulling me away from my light. The darkness pulling me in which makes me sad because this is my light, my place, but I am being moderated.


This comment by a woman who hit the nail on the head is why I am lost and sad as what to do:

"I'm so glad that you put the post back up.
This is your blog and your voice. You should never give that up for anyone."

So why do I feel like I do have to give up?
Where is the line between compromising and giving up or giving in?
So lost.........

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