Everything is a Process

I have been repeating that statement in my head ALL DAY. More than a million. Reminding myself. I really hate to come to my blog but this is the only place where I feel like I can get it out. Out of my head. Patch my bleeding heart in some way. (As the hubs asks me if I am downloading midget porn....thank you dear for the comedic relief....I needed a giggle)

I have to say thank you to so many....SO MANY of you who have given me your condolences. You truly have no idea how much of an impact that made on me. I had strength, I had courage, until today. The day of all days.

Why the FUCK (sorry...I'm emotional here) do people call it a celebration of life? Truly I know my grandpa had the most awesome life, but who was celebrating. Everyone I saw....crying. My poor aunts lost their composure today when watching the remembrance video. I held steady. My (if you can call him that) father was losing his composure. My brothers and sisters (all of them were there...which was cool....we haven't all been together since we were kids). My poor Big G his big sweet heart began to mist. But I held steady, shedding tears, but not my true pain. The excruciating, empty, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH ME, sadness, pain, I mean I am a walking depression commercial. I wanted to actually Vlog this, because typing is painful when you have to continue to wipe tears on your shoulder while typing. GAWD.

Seriously, don't pity me or feel sorry. I just need to be able to get this out. To get out that I am bouncing through these feelings. My mind is so blank I had to Google the five stages of grief. I mean seriously!? I had them memorized and now I had to Google. Yeesh!

1. Denial - I am in constant denial. Denial that the man who had more bearing on my life as a child than any other, who truly loved unconditionally (in my eyes) is gone. Never to be seen, heard, hugged, that is just killing me.
2. Anger - Why!!?? Why did MY grandpa have to die. I know everyone has a time. But why now? Why when I only saw him at Christmas that I did not get a chance to make it more, to do more. Why not someone else, somewhere else.
3. Bargaining - Dear God, Dear someone, please bring him back. I didn't see a body, he can come back, to love all those who love him. He can be well. I have to say this is THE first and only funeral I have been to where I have not seen someone in a casket. I know that sounds awfully morbid, but everyone who has died in my lifetime had a casket. I had closure because I could process in my mind a lifeless body to the beautiful soul. I know, sick, but its a mental thing clearly.
4. Depression - My overwhelming feelings. I have moments where I am good. I keep going, I don't stop. I don't think I keep myself in a perpetual state of motion. I am matter, always moving, never stopping, not even a yield and I will be okay. But one look at his photo...I am a goner. I spiral into an emotional abyss that tears at my soul. An emptiness. Truly, as if I know that I have lost a bit of myself with this man. I think I am totally nuts. No one else is showing such feelings. No one else is a blubbering damn mess. I am crazy, I am losing it. Aren't I? People don't feel this way, get yourself together Karie. Pull it together. Someone will commit you. PULL. IT. TOGETHER.
5. Acceptance - Mentally I have accepted his loss, my loss. But my heart has not accepted. So back again I go, through the previous four stages.

I try to pretend everything is normal, that I will be normal. But I want a whole day to cry, to not have to socialize with people acting like life is grand. It is, truly, but I wanted one day I could just bawl my eyes out till I needed ice packs for the swelling, to curse in anger, to yell blasphemy for my loss, to beg and plead with a God I do not believe in to bring my beloved back. My grandpa, the one person I have ever felt so close to. I guess that is why this whole ordeal is just a cluster for me. I have never had a loss of this proportion, of someone so close to me.  I feel like I have to hide this pain. To show I am strong, I will go on (which I know I will, but still, have you ever been hit so hard in the gut you lost your breath.....that is my feeling). Why do I feel like I have to jump to my acceptance? Has anyone else felt this? I know a friend of mine has, but I guess I need to call her (Yes Jen, I am talking about you! I wub joo....I will be emailing you or calling you where ever you are in your "retirement.") so I can really see if I am normal. If my feelings are normal. Because I truly hate that I feel so out of control with my feelings about my grandpa. Anyone else feel this way when they suffered a loss? How did you grieve? I know its a process....but good gawd.....

Going Through the Big D

No I am not going through the big D..."and I don't mean Dallas" cue music. But I have been reading, listening, and quite frankly sick and tired of all the speculation, theories, unnecessary anger, and minutiae from other people about divorce.

Let's get real folks....how many have you experienced divorce? Now put your hand down if you are talking about your BFF "and like her parents got divorced" or "and like my best girl friend, yo she got all screwed over by her man....mmnnnmmm."

Yeah....I so do not think so. Here is the skinny on divorce and what people fail to acknowledge.

Divorce is like marriage, takes two of you to get there, no one person is at fault, no one person can fix it, no one person is without fault, no one person did not see the Big D coming, and no one person can be blamed for the entire marriage crumbling to pieces.

Marriage, you can not get married alone, no one person can go get the marriage certificate signed, no one person can fall in love, no one person can accept to the proposal (um one says yes, but the other said YES to asking Nimrods), no one person can build a marriage.

See where I am going....divorce, just like marriage is a TWO WAY street.

I say this and I can say that divorce is the best and worst thing to happen to two people.

How can this be some of you may ask? Again, Lucy be doin' some 'splainin' here:

I am a product of divorce. *GASP* Yes, my parents divorced in the late 80s when divorce was the hottest thing next to the financial fallout then. I have to say I thank the higher powers for my parents divorce. I hated that my parents went through the ugliest divorce, my mother checked out, my father was an ass (being very PG about that), leaving three kids to figure out if their square peg would fit into a round hole. Now as an adult, I see how damaging my parents were together. My mother was, and still can be, the Ultimate Enabler. I say that with the most love. My mother is a good good woman with the best of intentions, but her intent was to "for better for worse, in sickness and in health." However, she reevaluated the health issue and the sickness. My father, the classic alcoholic, abuser, addict, drug aficionado. He knew no boundaries, no limits, and at the time the most aspiring business man and could care less who got in his way to the top. He reminded me of Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street.

So my mother weighed the sickness against the duty as a mother and wife. Her duty to stay married to a man for the sake of her children. But their health was not to be compromised. My father refused help, in pure denial as any addict is and always will be. To this day, I am not sure he ever admits any fault...ah hell, he blames the world for everything who am I kidding!

My parents divorced in January of 1988, I was 10. Yup...just dated myself.

The thing with divorce is that I am so thankful my parents, especially my mother did not stay married to my dad in spite of what she learned. She went with her gut, she did what was ultimately right for her too. I think that is what people FAIL to realize in divorce. You cannot stay married for the kids, the kids were not always there, they will not always be there in the end. Kids grow, move out, have kids of their own. The beautiful cycle of life. When you marry there are no kids involved (well not traditionally, some are unconventional....like my sister...love you!!), but in the beginning only two people exist. Individually. Together. So if no kids were involved is divorce that much more okay than if kids are involved? I think not.

I have read so many bashing's about divorce, about celeb divorces, like Jon and Kate Gosselin. I mean for Pete's sake. Yes, awful they are getting divorced, no one can point fingers, each is at fault somewhere. Each lost their way in the relationship, grew apart and never back together, or they are to the point where the road can never be mended, but at least they are doing the most healthy thing for their kids. They are each going to find a happiness they obviously do not feel with each other anymore.

Divorce is also tricky because family is involved on many levels. When my folks divorced my paternal grandparents took sides at first. My father was and is a fantastic "salesman" (aka manipulator). So my G-rents bought the stories hook line and sinker. Eventually though they saw that my mother was not only at fault and many apologies were made. My maternal grandparents did not take sides, they truly tried to stay neutral, but eventually just grew away from my father because of his "illness" and his damaging ways. Friends took sides. I watched my god parents divorce and each of them grabbed one of my parents, I felt like I was watching the partings of the Red Sea. The way I see divorce is that both are not happy, but the one person who makes the decision to say "Hey this is not working, we need to get a divorce" has either tried everything, or nothing and merely is throwing in the towel. Either way, they made a decision! They made a decision they do not want to be unhappy and with that person anymore. I am not saying that any one person can make you happy, but misery loves company. The other person is in denial, they do not want to admit that they ignored the writings on the wall and that they have grasped at every ounce of bullshit to stay together. Other divorces are totally amicable, my friend recently got divorced, he said they divorced because she was going to go to med school, and that was not conducive to their relationship. They both are friends, they both still care for one another, but the marriage was going to go down hill so they caught the shit before it rolled. Awesome!

I guess I am confused as to why people judge each person in a divorce. I mean why? I know that if DH and I were to come back to a point where we said "Hey, we tried, we tried everything, now lets try not being together" I would sincerely hope that sides were not taken. That the decision we made is that we are more damaging together than apart. We need to be healthy for our kids to be healthy and if that means divorce, so be it. We are lucky, we have weathered some nasty storms in our 12 years together. I dug in my spurs and bore down, I was in for the long haul with my big fish. We found each other again, we found our love, and we found we are stronger than we have EVER been. But we were lucky. We were lucky to have found a great therapist who helped each of us, we were lucky to have time to find who we were again, to find us and then we found two more kids!

We also agreed that we would never be dirty. That in all the hurt of a divorce, the nasty back biting, judging, side taking, name calling BS that divorce brings out, which is the worst in all of us, the people that are hurt the most are the kids. By sitting down with your kids and explaining that you still love them, this is not their doing, they did not cause this, and explaining that mom and dad just are not good together, this will ease their pain. I only know this now after years of therapy, of watching my father marry and divorce wives like a private harem, by watching how nasty divorce can be on the outside with watching DH go through his divorce when I met him, by watching my BIL go through his divorce, my god parents, my dear friends. As an outsider you gain insight, you learn to not take sides, not listen to the bitching and crap but still lend an ear for constructive bitching, by still loving each person. I can say I have never taken sides, well with the exception of DH and his ex, but even still, I think the relationship takes two. So next time you hear someone is divorcing because someone cheated on the other, or she is a bitch or he is an A*hole, just remember that could be you! So try not to judge, try not to take sides, support and love them, they are in for the worst, which in time will turn out for the best.