My Falling Star

You see my great post about Grant being the star student?

Yes, DH and I are so proud. What an accomplishment.

Until Today. I thought twice about posting, but I think there is an air of surrealness to being a parent and bragging about being a great parent with having a great kid. My star student initiated actions that resulted in a friendly call from my friend "The Principal."

Correct, THE principal. Papa...well she is a Mama Grande. The head honch, the big kahuna, THE BOSS.

She called me to tell me about some unfortunate circumstances, unacceptable behavior, and disgusting actions. Not that my son is not totally capable, but really I figured these would be left until at least high school.

• His blatant disregard for authority
• His disregard for his unacceptable and intolerable actions
• His foul mouth! (Decided he would call everyone a "fucker" today)

I am totally in awe that my boy decided to act so unfavorably, so much like a heathen, so dispicable. I do not doubt his culpability and capability, but I doubt the he acted alone and without provocation. So I now ask you, have you had one day where you are like "OMG, where is my kid?" when the principal or teacher calls? Have you had a day where you are just completely lost on what happened to your normal, everyday, easy breezy child? I just cannot believe my kid....my boy acted in such a manner. Again, not denying it, just completely cannot believe he could act that way, especially in school. I hope we can resolve this, I would hate for my Star Student to fall from grace.

Making Exceptions with Kids

While reading a great post by Kristin I was totally motivated to write this post.

My inspiration was by her stating, 

"You may see a graphic of a mom and some children but where is the mothering? The only time I ever see their children are in pictures and brief statements on their blogs or in the reviews they love to complain about. The blogs I like to read are blogs that have some insight on human compassion." (Kristin @ Our Ordinary Life, Aug. 4, 2009) Later I also read a post that REALLY struck a chord for this post. Go check her out.
AMAZING woman.

These posts hit me because I know I personally like to bring out my compassion not only as a mom but as a woman. So this post is really wanting to hear feedback because this is a very delicate subject matter. 

When DH and I were trying to conceive we finally reached a point where we agreed that we would adopt. Conception at the time was NOT happening for us and so we thought we would open our heart and homes to a child in need. A child that needed a family because one was unavailable due to some other mitigating circumstances. However, we successfully conceived many times over now. Some heartbreaking losses and three magnificent successes! But we me occasionally get the itch for another child. While I personally do not think I could sanely raise another child, I do know I can do it with all my heart and love. So adoption is definitely a possibility for us in our future.

Adoption also brings me to this scenario that has come into our home. Big G has a great little friend, a neighbor friend to be exact and they are roughly the same age. His friend we found from him parents not long ago is that he is adopted. Had no idea. Really none of my business, but interesting. We shared our stories of conception and her inability to carry full term as she would risk her own life and could not become a martyr to a child. In which I agree. I don't think you can be a successful mom if you are dead before the child enters the world or shortly after their entrance. She chose to adopt which I support with every ounce of my being. She treats her son no different than any other child, she loves him unconditionally, cares for him as if she bore him in her womb, and makes no exceptions to his unspoken status that he is their legally adopted son, she treats him as she would her own flesh and blood.

I beg the question then why do parents make exceptions for children? Why do they treat them differently? Adopted or not? Different living conditions or not? I believe each child should be treated based on his or her needs, but not because of their situation. For example I have two sons and a daughter. My sons and my daughter will have different needs, clearly because of their gender. When the boys start bitching about my daughter getting a bra.....I will supply them with jock straps. Argument closed. But I do not favor or treat my daughter any more special or differently than I do the boys, vice verse, the boys are not treated any differently than my daughter. I love them all just the same. Exactly the same. My relationships with them may be different based on their needs, but that is because I am giving them what THEY need. 

So why make exceptions?

My scenario is based on an incident yesterday with Big G's friend. They were playing as all boys do, rambunctious, disorderly, super hero, arms flailing, screaming, gun slinging boys. At one point all was quiet. I figured, Okay, they are playing Lego's....I can find peace.

WRONG

I happened upon a catastrophic mess of out of this world proportions from Big G and his friend. Now I may have exaggerated, but definitely THE LARGEST mess I have EVER cleaned of G's. The boys had decided to half disassemble the closet, pulling down shelves and rods, emptying shelves, and wedging the closet door so inoperable. 

I. About. Had. A. Conniption.

I kept my cool. I voiced my disdain for their behavior, for the mess. Both of them. Both guilty, both at fault. Did I also mention the 100+ Hot Wheels cars strewn all over the floor that the sea of metal prevented you from seeing the carpet? Yeah. So I disciplined the boys. I made them clean the mess. I told them that the mess was unacceptable, they both had to clean. That this type of situation does not go on in this house. Make a mess is one thing, to destroy is another. DH was involved in this situation as well. We were both disciplining to show a united front. When the neighbor friend was receiving his dose he started to wedge himself betweent he wall and the open door as to hide and stated he was "scared and afraid." Now my first reaction was to twirl my head and see what exactly was going on.

I listened and realized the boy was playing DH. He was trying to weasel out of the responsibility of taking ownership for his actions. So my Bullshit sensor went off, I smelled it too. But the mom part of me wondered if maybe this was a product of his previous environments in foster homes, in foster care. DH backed off and was almost consoling to the boy, in which he got his way and proceeded to no longer clean but to mill about. All the while I was cursing profane thoughts in my head keeping from screaming whistling like a boiling tea kettle.

His mom came to pick him up shortly after the ordeal as she was returning home and offered to swing by. DH met her at the door and kindly and disarmingly explained the situation. I walked up and laughed about how I was ready to lose my mind. Mom to mom, we were on the level with each other. We are no bullshit types of moms where we are loving and kind, but not afraid to assert ourselves. We also explained the "scared" incident to which she confirmed my beliefs that he does that at home, tells her that too to get out of the situation. Laughingly I agreed that you should be scared of having to pay for consequences of unacceptable actions. She whole heartedly agreed.

However, I still wondered. DH and I debated the situation again about disarming a child who claimed "fear" in the presence of an assertive discipline. We did not raise our voices, we did not yell, we did not threaten, hit, we voiced our clear disdain and disapproval at their disorderly actions.

What would you do? Would you have reacted the same by disarming and almost consoling or would you continue on saying "No one here will hurt you, we are telling you that this type of behavior and actions are unacceptable in our home." Because as a parent I wonder where the line may be drawn, do you make exceptions based on a child's previous life and environment? Or do you make exceptions period? When? How? For whom? Are there mitigating circumstances?

Believe me I am a parent who is still learning. I know nothing about a lot of things and parenting is one I work on everday. Parenting is an ever evolving job and manual.
So what would you do? What are your exceptions?

The Good, The Bad, and the Unclear?!

Moms, grandmoms, Great-grandmoms, just about any mom you can think of asks this question when they see a young child and or baby:

Is he/she good?

I mean seriously? What kind of question is that?
When anyone asks me that I truly think about messing with them a little and telling them how awful my child is because he has a small (I mean child size)penis aiming into a LARGE porcelain bowl and he can never hit it....always the outer edges making cleaning a real bitch....how my youngest boy Pickles Magoo is the biggest whiner and Mama's boy ever....and Little Bitty.....yeah, she is no princess....she is the second biggest whiner in the house and to top things off she beats up her twin....I mean who does that to their twin?

But all of that does not make my children good or bad. My kids are awesome. Do they have moments of bad behavior? Sure. Moments where they forget to use manners, hit, or worse.....forget to brush their teeth. (LOL)

Kids and people are never bad. Bad is a terrible word, the use gives a connotation and an association that suggests that this is a quality or trait of an individual. That by telling your child when they have done something wrong "bad boy" or "bad girl" they lose self-esteem and or self worth. They then feel that they are less because of their actions and choice resulting in actions and consequences.
(I hope I didn't lose you)

For example, Big G had a problem with hitting when he was a toddler in daycare. I attributed this to the fact he was the largest, the largest eater, and he learned this from other children. I learned to tell him, "No, we do not hit. Hitting is bad" as the proper way to tell my child what he had done wrong at a young age. If I told him "NO! Bad boy" he probably would have been lost as to what the hell I was talking about. Here is the thing, if you are questioning whether or not your child understands.....DO NOT underestimate them. Seriously, for little people they are super smart and they can comprehend a lot more than what we give credit.

No one, in my opinion, is bad. I think even the killers and criminals of the world are not bad people, they have just made bad decisions and they behave badly because no one showed them otherwise or they were not given the right environment or love needed. But I believe they are inherently good people. Maybe because I carry a Rogerian theory of people, but I think that we learn how to behave properly or in a way that is acceptable, ethical, and at best morally sound.

Maybe my years of therapy and self help books (thank you Melody Beattie) have helped me to become a better person and a better mother in the way I discipline and teach my children. Some people are truly unclear on the thought that actions do not make a person, they do not define the very essence of their being, so by telling them they are bad or good because of the good and or bad things they have done sends mixed signals. When I discipline Big G I am always sure to tell him these sentences and they seem to be a HUGE difference in his demeanor:

"Big G, what you did is unacceptable. We do not (*insert bad action) hit our little brother. If you are mad or you want to hit something, go get the stuffed Spongebob and wail on him. Now I need you to take a time out. I love you very much, you are a very good boy, but hitting our little brother is bad, you hurt him."

And with that, he is upset because I made him take a time out and he understands WHY he is taking a time out and why I am mad. I am mad because he hit his sibling and he knows that I love him, that he is still a good boy, and that we take out our anger on things like a punching bag like Spongebob because that always makes us feel better when we need a release of bad energy.

Some may not agree, which is Okay by me, I am not looking for approval. I just know that no matter what, my kids are GOOD kids ALL the time, not just because they picked up their rooms or helped me set the table for dinner. I tell them all the time what great kids they are for no reason and in return I have happy kids who learn actual right from wrong and good from bad.

Wrong Tube of Toothpaste

Oh this is going to be such a long summer. I so desperately need to get my Big G involved in something. Crafts, arts, exercising, something other than his Wii, the daily dip in the pool, and his short stint of cartoons for the day.

This morning while we were all rushing around trying to get ready to take my car into the dealership for some much needed warranty work I hurried Big G into getting ready as well. The boy is a well known putz. He can putz like no other if the whip is not cracked.

Being that I am whip cracking, ball busting Mom extraordinaire, I told him he had to put his shoes on and brush his teeth.

He was taking exceptionally longer than normal to brush the few teeth he has not lost yet and that have not yet come in.

I run into the bathroom to ask what was taking so long!

To find this:

Now I can see how this looks like your standard tube of toothpaste. But upon further investigation.....I found that the tube was really:

Now to my complete HORROR and shock I asked if he had swallowed any to which he said no. Luckily I caught him in time. I then washed his mouth out as fast and as much as I could. Made him spit out as much nothing as he could and then made him brush his teeth with the correct tube. The actual toothpaste.

Later I pondered what made him think that was toothpaste. I know the only way he could have thought it was toothpaste is because of the tube itself. But the hydrocortisone was actually with the Neosporin and all the other medicinal items. Which told me he had to really really look and climb to reach this, when the toothpaste rests right there on the sink. Big G also told us he happened to brush his teeth with this yesterday!! YIKES. We are so lucky he didn't become deathly ill from brushing his teeth with the cortisone cream. We are also just as lucky he didn't reach for the tube of hemmoroid cream!! DOUBLE YIKES!!

Am I really unconventional?

Today while working out much of my many frustrations on my back yard, which now is well groomed and well watered, I pondered if I am really that much of a different mom. By different am I truly that unconventional? Do I raise or treat my kids or give them privileges that make other mothers gasp.

One of the things I am a little 'unconventional' about is my kids daily sugar content. I read a great number of labels when delivering these foods to my kids mouths. Why? Amazingly enough everything has a certain amount of sugar or some sort of fueling product such as protein. Big G however reacts to sugar a bit more dramatically than other kids. *Now this is where I get the rolling of the eyes and the "Oh you are overreacting, all kids get a little hyper on sugar." While this statement is OH SO true, have you ever seen a five year old high on adrenaline. I mean pure, raw, unadulterated epinephrine? Yeah, didn't think so, not until you meet my kid. I have to limit even the tiniest amounts or balance out sugars with a certain level of protein. Like PB&J, lots of the PB and easy on the J. DH gives me all sorts of hell for this saying I am destroying a perfectly good sandwich to which I reply "Sure, then I will send him in your office shortly after he consumes this so he can wreak havoc on your world and your day. Thanks for playing!"

Another thing I have noticed from reading many a blogs and from comments around my family is how other children seem to be confined or limited to household areas. The whole idea seems weird for me....not sure why but it does, probably because my kids have run of the mill with the entire house. Of course bathroom doors are closed to prevent toilet playing and drowning, the pool gate is more than secured (combination lock....and I am the only one with combo...DH can't remember it to save his life!), cabinets are all secured to avoid getting into trash, cleaning items, etc. So from one mom to another why are kids confined to certain areas? I mean they get older and learn that certain rooms contain certain things, etc etc, so why keep them in one area? I do understand the whole "Well I know where they are at all times" but at what age does this progress to run of the mill? Like I said, maybe I am weird.

I also give my kids choices. I don't let them TELL ME what will go on, I TELL THEM here is what you got, you can choose A or B, not both, not C, not that you won't choose, it's A or B or the highway. I saw a segment on the TODAY show about not giving your kids choices and I about threw something at the TV. I mean really?! I think giving kids choices will empower them, the whole idea allows them to choose and to learn cause and effect. Just as a baby will drop a sippy cup and we pick it up, they are learning cause and effect. Once you stop picking up that cup all the time, they learn to not drop it.

I do not spank. GOD HAVE I HAD MOMENTS!!! My Big G is my mortal arguing nemesis. He pushes my argue button like his father does. EEEWWWWW!! Then when he argues and is defiant my first action is that I am angry he is being defiant and I just have this angry urge to haul off and spank his derriere. But I have to stop, take a deep breath and remember he is learning his boundaries, he is learning his independence, he is learning. I am able to calmly explain to him the consequences of his actions and the actions I take, this seems to be easier, not much, but easier when disciplining. He freaks out for a moment, and then explains what I am doing and why.....and surprisingly, everything is right with the world.

I try not to spoil my kids nor spare the rod. My nieces and nephews on DH's side are living proof of that. But I think kids need positive reinforcement and they also need true discipline and not a beating. I also think that giving kids their way all the time, even if we are tired, even if we are not in the mood to argue, fight, or deal with them because our day is and has been hell only reinforces certain behaviors. Again, I may be way off.

I am just curious to hear from other moms if you have little quirks and ticks that may seem weird to other moms or seem weird that you do certain things and other moms don't. I guess I want to know what works for you as a parent and do these things seem unconventional to you or other moms.

My Magic

I have divulged I am a mother of multiples....so I am truly NUTS. I have informed you that I can whip up some foodie delights......I pride myself on being an amateur chef. What I have not told you about is my magic. YES INDEED, I have magic. My "force" as DH suggested I use this word, since I did not have a thesaurical thought for another word for magic...ah, mystical energy, there. So my mystical energy allows for my children (A.k.a. G, as the Squids do nothing but demolish right now) to complete chores, tasks, respond appropriately when called upon. Yes, my mystical energy is flowing within my house.

I know that so many of you want to know the secret. Am I Wicca? NOPE...I'm not even Jewish. Am I brain washing my kids? NOPE...not that talented. Am I beating them? NOPE....though, the thought has come to mind. No I even have a magic wand that I conduct through the air and G answers every beck and call from my lips and the wave of the wand. Here is a picture:

Yes, my mystical energy...or the "force" as DH calls it and my wand are merely the power of persuasion with a large wooden spoon. I know that G knows he will get the "spoon" (which he really won't) for bad behavior, not keeping our hands, feet, and other objects to ourselves, and failing to follow directions (like no repeating cursing, words such as Jackass, @**hole). I merely pick that lovely utensil up and ALLAKAZAM, my boy is following directions, picking up the Lego's off the kitchen floor and counters, and telling me "Yes Ma'am". I am liking this spoon more and more each day.