Wordful Wednesday: My Staff

I wanted everyone to see the staff behind me that helps keep my machine running smoothly and perfectly. I mean seriously you can't be an Alpha or a Beta Mom all the time right? Thanks to my sister Theta Mom who taught me that. So with her inspiration I bring you my Staff:

What's her name

Ah, this broad. She is my Designated Drinker, wingman, distraction, BFF for a girl's night out (yeah, she'll hold your hair while you puke in the toilet of a dive bar), former smoker, poser extraordinaire, oh yeah and she cooks and grills like nobody's business.
I just can't recall her name.....

Okay, moving on to the rest of my staff

Yolanda

Yolanda she is my Yard broad, pool man, gardener, weed puller, she does it all outdoors. Plants, pulls, weeds, tends, yanks, and cuts. And she does it with a smile. Thanks Yolanda.

Karlita

This sex kitten....yup this is Karlita.

She's hot, she is the official "escort" for the hubs, Dirty Jobs chick, she is the one who can get any job done around the house.
Swing a hammer? No prob. Load the dishwasher with no hands? No prob.
Not to mention this tough broad can sell a Ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

Hope you all enjoyed meeting my staff. Be sure to tell them THANKS for helping me
find the time to blog and chat with you all.

Be sure to go check out Angie and her Circus and her rendition of Wordful Wednesday!

You Might Die Having More Than One Baby...Well Not Literally

My reaction to having twins was pretty much like all other mother's or soon to be mothers who found they were having twins.

WTF!!??

Seriously. I did not sign up for this. I was crazy enough to sign up for ONE. Let alone TWO!

The journey of life begins. Every mother/soon to be mother's fear is the loss of the pregnancy until about week 12 or so. The fear subsides. Sometimes the morning sickness. Heartburn is a daily visitor. Urinating is like breathing....you don't realize you went so much until you see your water bill the next month from what seems like continuous flushing. And finally the time comes when the two little faces you have come to know as Baby A and Baby B, blurry, splotchy, and skeletal, greet you with white filmy, pink flesh, cries, crying, tears, joy, sorrow, shakes, unknowing, fear, terror, pain, defense, a rainbow gamut of emotions.

I wanted to make sure my kids were alright. I was put at ease to know they were. They still are. Bounding, giggling, sqwealing, wailing, whining, crying, and carrying on, they are more than alright. But before we got to the alright, I really was not sure if I would be alright.

I was not sure if I could go the distance. I saw my skin stretch to the point of being a cast member on a Sci Fi world premiere television event. My back, hips, and knees were in so much pain, I was thankful for the winter season in AZ so I could sport compression stockings 24-7. I quite literally thought I would die. Twin pregnancy sucked. Pregnancy with a singleton sucked, but nothing compared to my two for one deal.

So when I met them and I was ponder how the hell I would manage. By Myself. All Alone. I thought I was going to break. Yes I have DH. Yes he is a great help with changings and baths and the like. But the rest was all me. You see I was the one with the lactating breasts. I was the one who had two. Lactating. Breasts. And so I did it. I breast fed both my twins. At the same time, one on each breast. For each feeding. Never missing a beat. Never, if hardly ever giving a bottle. With the exception to boost caloric intake for Sara who was a lot smaller and needed more, even though she was six pounds at birth as a twin. But I did it. Until I thought I was going to die. Until I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was losing every inkling of who I was as a person. As a woman. A wife. A caregiver. I need to break what I was doing for my own metal condition. To prevent a complete breakdown.

I had many. Breakdowns. I would put the kids down for their nap time which was every 2 hours give or take. And then I would find a nice spot in the house to retreat and ball my eyes out. I didn't ask for twins. I didn't have fertility issues. I was and am a good mother...why was I cursed? Why was I given this ultimate challenge, the job to top all jobs, an early death sentence, why me? I asked this for six months after the birth of my Thing One and Two. What was I to learn? Had I not suffered and struggled enough in my young life that NOW. NOW when I can enjoy being a mother I am tossed this curving knuckle ball to beat out into center field.

So I suffered through the pointless comments, stops, gawks, and gasps about having twins. The daft and the bold of fertility issues which most assumed was my issue. NO ONE has twins that are boy girl. (Um...okay....did you miss sex ed.) I dealt with it all. The nasty, the insane, the unbelievable, even the codependents who clearly thought I was unable to care for two children at the same time. As if I was the Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman or something.

At about 10 months I knew I was going to make it. Life got easier as I weaned (Sara...not so much the Seth-En-Stein) off the boob and into a hand held baby bottle to go! Bottle feeding was easy as they were able to hold things on their own at that time. Then when the sitting up really was in full force the high chairs were rotated into the house. Meals got easier. Naps were still consistent. I was a free woman again. I could leave the house and not worry if I was going to have saucer size messes all over my shirts if I didn't move fast enough through a store to get home for a feeding.

Things got easier because I kept them on a schedule. From the day they were born they were on a schedule with me. I knew if they deviated life would be hell. I wouldn't sleep, I would suffer, they would suffer, DH and Big G would suffer with me.

The one year mark passed and I wondered where the time went. I still wonder. I thought life would get easier with them. Which life did, get easier, for a short moment. And then they both started walking. Climbing. Almost running now. My house is on a constant Def Con 1 status.

But being a mom of twins gets easier. I am able to enjoy these moments as they entertain themselves. I am not always the playmate, which sucks, but is a life saver all in one. I watch them now "twin talk" to each other. I watch them watch us and learn. I watch them turn into loving people before my eyes and I wonder where the time has gone.

Big G told me the other day how much he loved me and that I was a great mom. I didn't know what to say. I welled up and felt the burn in my cheeks, my nostrils flared, and I wondered where the time went. He tells me how much he appreciates the organic juice and milk boxes for lunch, that I cut his sandwiches into triangles, that I picked him up from school with his brother and sister. And I wonder where the time has gone. That my boy no longer gazes at me like I am the most beautiful woman on Earth, but that I am the woman who knows him best. Moreso than his father. He looks at me and smiles and tells me how much he loves me. The twins fight for a seat in my Indian Style lap, each wanting a prized thigh to hold them. And I wonder where the time has gone that they used to feed until they couldn't eat anymore, gaze up at me and pass out.

I really thought I was going to die with twins. But if dying means that you get to enjoy all that life gives you, with twice as many hugs, twice as many smiles, and yes...twice as many diapers. I wouldn't change my death wish. Life with multiples isn't easy, but what is easy is the love you feel for these people who came into your life when you thought you truly were damned.

I am proud to have enjoyed Grant as my oldest, he was my teacher on being a mom. The twins are only helping me perfect the fine art of evolving motherhood.

Chicks for Free

A quoted lyric from that great song in the 80s, you know the one right?? The Dire Straits, featuring Sting? Yea, love that song, especially the Money for Nothing part. This song was stuck in my head today as I had dealings with people that think that this is their world and the rest of us just inhabit their miserable little worlds.

So I have this swamp cooler you see. The appliance is completely USELESS in Arizona from the months of May to say October. Why you ask? Well those months usually resonate at least 90 to 100 degree weather, not conducive for a machine that requires COOL water to make your home COOL. Anyway, we had the hunk of shit removed from our roof last year along with our 30 year old ORIGINAL air conditioning unit that cost us a pretty penny with $400 a month summer electric bills. Yeah, that is no joke.

Anyway, DH gets this great idea that the swamp cooler is worth something. (*Waves hand wildly...TO FRIGGING WHO??!!!! Who the hell wants this hunk of junk??!!) So I of course have to agree that this useless piece will be worth something. A year had almost past and that thing has sat on the side of my house, collecting dust, bugs, leaves, and space that would be better occupied by nothing so you can see my beautiful Cape Cod style siding. I finally get the gumption to clean out the SHIT that inhabits my house. I mean LOADS!!

We have that stupid swamp cooler, a 27" TV that is brand new, but we have no where to put it, GOBS and GOBS of baby clothes that I am selling for like $1.00 a piece, not to mention any other miscellaneous stuff we have collected over the years that so badly needs a home...but NOT IN MY GARAGE!!

Gosh, off subject again with all the shtuff. I decide to list this shtuff on Craigslist.

WHAT. A. JOKE!

I mean every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Sally wants something for free. I mean really? I am not asking a fortune, I am asking for you to pay a small fee to take it off my hands. All of the stuff works, and is in really good or decent (swamp cooler) condition. But everything works and could be useful to someone else, as I have no more use for the shtuff. I mean I would just sell all the junk at a garage sale anyway, so why not sell stuff bit by bit since the weather outside is hotter than an elephant's ass. Shop online, call, pick up. No browsing in the heat, driving around, just bam bam bam!

But really everyone wants something for free. These people on Craigslist, DH's boss who so willingly gives up DH's Saturdays for conference calls that can be done during the week...oh wait that's right...he (the boss) went to Lego Land during the week, so business will have to be put off for the weekend. Oops!? Did I say that out loud. I had realtors barking at me on the phone today while I was DRIVING, ordering me around like I worked for them. I let that little wet behind the ears, green pea punk hear a piece from me, call me making demands. HUFF!

Has our society been reduced to a "gimmee" attitude, where we expect the world for nothing? I mean I was taught hard work, work hard for everything you have, struggle, a little elbow grease, some brow beatings, sweat, blood, tears.....where in all my gruff and sacrifice does it say that I get a free ride? I didn't get my chicks for free? I didn't my money for nothing. So why does everyone else think that they get their money for nothing and their chicks for free?

I am Quitting my Job

This morning when Pickles Magoo, who I think we are going to call Seth-en-Stein from now on because he is FINALLY starting to walk, a little, walks like Frankenstein. Plus he is so big and bulky like Franken, so what the heck, sounds good. Seth-en-stein (with 80's zombies voice)

So Seth-en-Stein decides that 5 a.m. is the most fabulous time to start talking in my bed. I know dumb that he was even in my bed, but he was there because at 1 a.m. when you are praying for sleep because the big baby won't go to sleep, you let him snuggle with you. Which by the way I rarely do, I highly dislike other people in my bed. Anyway, Seth-en-Stein begins talking, singing, crawling all over DH and I. Ok, I can semi-ignore this and get a few more Z's. WRONG!

The little monster, I mean my little sweet boy, decides to start smacking DH and I because he thinks the sounds of slapping skin in hilarious! WRONG AGAIN! I try to go back to sleep yet again and put Seth-en-Stein on the floor to go play.

I have been SOOOOOOOOOOO WRONG today. He goes in and wakes up Big G and the Little Bitty. FANTASTIC!! Now everyone is awake and the time is barely reading 6 a.m. FABULOUS!

Big G decides to crawl in bed with DH and I, and then DH grabs Seth-en-Stein to throw him back in bed with us. WTF?! I mean seriously, are you kidding me? Now I am dealing with a ton of penises praying for intelligent life to show somewhere when I finally kick everyone out of bed!

I huff and storm out of the room, make coffee as LOUD as I can, even running the garbage disposal out of sheer spite and frustration, to no avail. DH is still in there, SNORING.

Oh and did I mention that my washer went out of commission last night....yeah! With a full load of water and laundry in it. I hope it is an easy fix, because seriously, I can't take it anymore!

At that point I decided to officially quit my job...........only I am not sure which one to quit!!!???

• Maid
• Nanny
• Chef
• Cook
• Baker
• Coffee Maker
• Gardener (oh crap....I need to go turn off the water! BRB)

• Landscaper
• Pool Guy
• Launderer
• Dish Washer
• Dog Groomer
• Dog Walker
• Garbage Man
• Recycle Extraordinaire
• Soap Maker
• Teacher
• Chauffeur
  
• Personal Shopper
• Sex Kitten
• Loan Officer
• Wife
• Mom

So seriously those are the only jobs that I can think of off hand with only a single cup of coffee and I am not sure which one to quit. Maybe after another cup of coffee I will quit one and ask for a raise, or maybe vacation time.

Oldest Child Syndrome

Being the oldest child of any family is a real pain in the neck. Really, it sucks a giant goats ear if you have to know. Speaking, clearly, from experience.

I, am the oldest of 5 children. Not all from the same mother. Hang in there....
I have 2 "blood" siblings from my mother, then 2 "half" siblings from their mother.
Our common denominator is.....our father (yeah he was a man whore).

Now being the oldest of THAT many siblings is trying at best. My youngest (half) sister completely looked up to me and thought I was and am the most beautiful person ever. Very sweet of her, granted she just turned 20 so I chalk her up to being naive and not as jaded as I am. My younger sister, the sister I called my baby sister, poor dear always felt the need to live up to me. She too thought I was some goddess of heaven, I think, when we were growing up. Only recently did she find that I am not, nor was I ever, perfect.
Perfectly flawed really, but far far far from perfect.

My mother. Ah, yes, my mother. I was the first. I was the guinea pig. I was the one child you learn from, make all your mistakes with, wish the world for, expect the most out of. Yes, I was the ultimate mold, the continuous masterpiece in progress.

I EFFING HATE BEING THE OLDEST!

I love my mother dearly, but when she gets around me and starts "mothering" me in front of other people like I am still that masterpiece to be molded, my pitchfork and horns begin to poke through my skin and I can feel the fiery wrath of hell behind me just waiting to be unleashed at my command. I understand and love that she is my mother, I would ask for NO OTHER, however, STOP with the crap. And let me explain the crap.....and of course I am the only child who gets it....because you see I am the unconventional, NEVER have listened to my mother, oldest child. Strong willed, my way or the high way, you are always wrong I am always right oldest child. The other children get her crap.....but not to the extent I get it, because I am the first and oldest child, forever and always, the oldest child.

Here is how the "crap" was laid today in my "perfect" kingdom.

My mother, God-mother (yes I really have one of those....my folks were old school), sister, nieces and nephew all came to visit and play in the pool today at my house. I love visitors, because they visit and then they leave. Not like guests...guests stay a while....I hate guests. Anyway, the women are sitting around the kitchen yakking like a bunch of hens would while the children played when we began discussing children. I hate this discussion.....always have....I was hounded by a MIL for years about bearing fruit for her and what does she do? Never visits. Gosh, off on another tangent...sheesh! See this is why I have a therapist.
OK.....where was I?
Oh yes, the discussion about children.

Mom is telling god-mom all about my sister, myself and our brother and how many children we each have, planned to have, going to have, are not going to have anymore. Yadda Yadda Yadda My mother, being the snipe she can be threw out into the conversation about my situation with more children, like I really need more children...with my history,

"Well in my mind you are not done having children yet since neither you or C are fixed yet!"

"That does not mean we are going to have more children mother, this just means that we have craptastic health insurance and the cost of "FIXING" the flowering fruit is out of our budget, so what is in our budget is condoms."

"No! You are not done yet. Until that deed is done, in my mind you are not done."

"Not going to argue with you about MY uterus and HIS penis."

ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?

Now my mom never means these comments as a joke, or a kid, or I'm just saying. No, she says this to drive me mad. Half the time I want to reach over and choke her. Does she NOT understand the brutality I went through with my pregnancies? With my journey to motherhood? Does she truly not get that I AM DONE?!

Sister on the other hand, she chimed in how she is fixed, which mom backed her 100% that she is done having kids. (No offense Britt....you know how Mom can be)

???????????????????? Are you serious????????????????????

See as the oldest child we are pushed to the very edge of being perfect, we have to meet these untold standards. What standards? Where is the damn book that says "You must be this tall to ride this ride." I find myself riding on Big G in that manner and I have made a conscious decision to stop, because I do NOT want the boy to end up like me. Resenting the comments his mother makes. I also do not want him to constantly be in pursuit of something that is unattainable and does not exist......PERFECTION. He is perfect in my eyes just the way he is, no better no worse. He is my creation and that makes him perfect.

I just do not understand why moms push the oldest children as hard as they do. I mean my life is challenging enough WITHOUT the childhood minutiae my mother can bring to the table.

So Mom, I love you, but do me a favor and keep your crappy comments to yourself. Even if you think you are just making cute jabs that are jokes or what have you....I really don't need anymore hell in my life. Bad enough hell is my neighbor, I'd like for it to remain so.

Giveaways GALORE

So many giveaways on the blogosphere that I wanted to take a moment this Saturday to promote them. Not only are they fabulous, but some are just splendid for the kiddies too!

Imagine all of your favorite girlie items in one giveaway!?

You can't?!!!!!

Well go check out Fantabulously Frugal with a giveaway of some great Etsy products, some Marc Jacobs, some Smashbox Lip gloss, all things trendy, and what every woman would want in her handbag! Check out the giveaway, ends soon!

Now want something for your little princess? How about some super safe, super sweet girlie nail polish for your little darling?

My dear friend and sister at The Greer Five is having a Piggy Paint giveaway! So be sure to go check her out. Not to mention she is giving away a gift certificate to ECOStore USA, some great books for you and the kids, she has got it all!! Be sure to check her out, her giveaways end soon too!

Mini Me's

When Big G was born I was so joyful that I had a perfectly healthy and beautiful baby boy. I love Big G like no words can explain. But in all honesty, my vanity started to get the best of me when all I heard was "Oh my gosh!! He looks IDENTICAL to his father."

And so I thought I was doomed to have all of my children look exactly like their father.

I know, I am pretty vain. But seriously, when someone tells you how your children look like you, their mother, the comment just hits you and is heart warming. Especially because we are the ones who endured TEN, yes 10, MONTHS of agony, bliss, exhaustion, constipation, sleeplessness, irritability, bloating, weight gain, excitement, love, affection, bitching, moaning and the sheer fact we were uncomfortable right before we delivered our precious little person.

You can imagine how ELATED I was when the twins were born. I immediately bust out the baby pictures and did my "Nah nah, eat shit" dance to show how the twins look just like me! I know.....I am a terrible sport. But seriously....for FIVE years, all I heard is how people couldn't believe Big G was mine because he looks JUST LIKE HIS DAD. FIVE YEARS!!
The only thing that stands out on Big G that he gets from me are the radiant color of his eyes (we have piercing blue eyes) and this really cool birth mark, oh and we can argue till the cows come home...both of us....with each other....and other people if they let us. Big G and I are born to argue! LOL


So here are some fantastic 70s sporting photos of me.....and my comparable Mini-Me.

Mini Me (Pickles Magoo)

Me (circa 1978, 1979 ish)

Me (circa 1979 ish)

Mini Me (Little Bitty)

Me (circa 1979 ish, I was about their age in this picture)

I am just so glad that my genetics finally came through on the looks of our kids. Do not get me wrong.....DH is one sexy beast, but if our daughter looked like him......she might as well pack everything in now and go butch, or lipstick for that matter. I'd love her just the same.....seriously....she is very pretty and totally cute.

I am most thankful that I was able to go 36 weeks, 4 days, 16 hours and 53 minutes before delivering Pickles Magoo and 54 minutes before delivering Little Bitty.
Both were PLENTY healthy and good sized twins, so I know my baking abilities are more than plentiful that is for sure!
As an added bonus they got my striking good looks, goofy loving nature, and they are the best of DH and I all the way around with smarts, love, good nature, bad tempers, and sensitivity.
I am so blessed with my three gnomes!

Truth be told....I'm a Failure

I for one am not a perfect mother, I am 100% WIP (Work In Progress). I have no books to teach me to be a mother, no books to tell me what is what, I just have my simple knowledge to help me decipher my asshole from a hole in the ground. I am humbled by the fact that I love my children whole hearted, that they look to me for everything. They can throw fits for their father and the moment I walk in the room.....all is right with the world again.

I do not have the answers. Any mother who claims to "have the answers", well sister.....you need to ascend to a higher astral plane because we are clearly, unworthy.

Each child, each mother, each family and situation yields different actions, reactions, and well care handling. I do not expect my sister to raise her kids the way I raise my kids, despite the fact that we were raised in the same home by the same parents. I also for one would never tell my sister "you are doing this wrong" when talking to her about raising kids. I think that NO MOTHER has that right. I for one would not want anyone to tell me that how I am raising my kids is wrong, how I discipline them is wrong, what I feed them is wrong.

I birthed 22 pounds 4 ounces worth of kids. Big G was 8.2, Pickles was 8.2 and Little Bitty was 6 even. I even had two at the same time. But this does not give me any right, the fact I have three or that I birthed two at the same time does not give me any right. But yet I see mothers from my local Costco to the blogosphere who judge women.......ESPECIALLY mothers without mercy and I cannot understand why.

So here are my failures that other mothers call out on:

Truth be told I am a mother who does not spank....while every ounce in my angered body wants to swat my child I do not.
I do not put my child in a timeout in a corner, he is sent to his room....where he has NO toys.
I do not always feed my children organic. (GASP!)
I do not let my kids drink soda, lots of juice, eat certain snacks, so clearly I fail as a mother.
I fail at the fact that when I brought the twins home all Big G wanted to do was play with his siblings instead of hit them be angry and ignore them.
I fail at the fact my five, soon to be six year old son can count to 200.
I fail that my son can count in Spanish.
I fail that my son has known his alphabet and colors since he was three.
I fail that my son asks to be excused from the dinner table each night.
I fail that the twins can show me with their hands, sign language of sorts, that they are all finished with their meals.
I fail that Big G knows how to load the dishwasher.
I fail that he feeds the family dog.
I fail that my 15 month old daughter Little Bitty knows where the trash is located and properly disposes of trash.....and some miscellaneous items too.
I fail that they kiss and hug, without a cue.
I fail that ALL of my kids are in bed generally NO LATER than 8:30p.m.
I fail that at every meal my kids have at least one food group.....somehow.
I fail as a mother that ALL of my kids are happy.
I fail that all of my kids are healthy, well fed, and well cared for.
I fail that I choose to vaccinate my kids, for everything, yup, even Swine Flu (just kidding).
I fail that I want my kids to go to public and private schools.
I fail that I want more for my kids that what I had.
I fail that I work EVERYDAY on my marriage to my love so my kids have happy, healthy, get over it, parents.
I fail that EVERYDAY I work to be a better mother, mom, wife, individual.
I fail that I make self-centered choices, for myself, my kids, and my family...
I fail that I have LOTS and LOTS of faults....and I admit them, embrace them, and learn from them.
I fail that I have cussed in front of my children.
But most of all........I fail because they know ME as Mom. I fail that I raise them as a mother, as their mother.

I can keep going. Do any of these fit you? Do you fail at any of the aforementioned the way I have?

Please give me my due process if you are one of those mother's, because clearly, you need to ascend sister and I for one am unworthy. Because of you our world would be perfect, full of codependents, naysayers, and happy people for judgments to be passed by a mere mortal.
Leave the judging to others of a higher power would you please?! Agree to disagree about how anyone raises their children. No parent, no mother, no one on Earth is perfect. We all do the best we can with the tools we are given...which by the way are from another mother.....usually our own. We live, we learn, we pass on. We try to break cycles, create new ones. We love with no end and beginning, no boundaries and no limitations. So the next time you think about saying how you do not like someone because of the way she raises her kids or the opportunities she has been given or failed to receive, just remember we have ALL been there.
We have all had good times and bad, wealth and poverty, sickness and health, life and death, gratitude and ungratefulness, felicity and sadness, crudeness and civility.

Why the attack on Kate?

I have seen so many blog posts, tabloid covers, snarks, sneers, tweets, talk shows, premieres, and smears that I have to wonder why everyone feels the need to bag on poor Kate Gosselin.

Did she go shit on your front lawn or something? Did she slap you in public? Maybe she spilled your drink? Cutsy in line? Did she tattle on you?

How petty can women really be. Bad enough we have a mom blog war that now we have these women (probably the same war wagers) judging without mercy about how she (Kate) treats her husband, how she raises her children, how she wears her hair, I mean really......is THAT all you have in life is your boring time to judge someone on a reality show? Do you not have better things to do with your time?

I have to say that I love Kate Gosselin. Really I do. Want to know why? Let me tell you.

For one she is a MoM. Not your typical mom, but a real MoM which means she is a Mother of Multiples. MoM women are a different breed, we run our homes a different way, we look at life a little differently, we know the ear shot comments, we know the sneers, jeers, jests, know-it-alls, and "let me tell you how to be a mom" type comments.

I just don't understand why so many people dislike her, judge her without mercy, and bag on her like she is the biggest pest on Earth.

I love Kate for her time management with those kids. If you have more than 2 children you understand time management. If you have twins or higher order multiples, you really get what I am saying. I love that Kate has some really well behaved children for how many she has. I can barely get my oldest singleton Big G to ask to be excused every night from the dinner table. Although he does have all of his "please," Thank you," "Welcome," and "excuse me" down pat so at least I know I am doing something right.

Seriously, do people think she is just suppose to let her house and her children go? UH NO! Seriously I only have one set of multiples and every day my house is a disaster, I couldn't imagine TWO sets of multiples, especially higher order multiples. Eight kids is a LOT to clean up after, so I can see her point of view with being so anal.

The husband thing.....I am so there. I made DH watch the show with me......he just kept turning and looking at me like he was watching my twin on TV. Again, when you have more than one or two children, especially, especially multiples your life is completely different. You manage your children....and sometimes your husband......much differently. Sometimes DH gets thrown into the kid mix, not his fault, but when you are managing a home, everyone is an employee, including DH. Parents have to be a united front and if one parent slacks, then the kids know it and FORGET IT!

I do thoroughly enjoy the singleton parents who have a lot of kids. I understand, I hear you. But just because you have kids "really close in age....like having twins".....yeah that is not like having twins. Having twins or higher order multiples is like having twins or higher order multiples. You have no idea to have two or more infants needing feedings at the same time, two or more infants crying at the same time and figuring which one you pick up first....and then do you let the other cry because you are trying to console one? Yup this happens when you don't have help, or you are outnumbered like with Jon and Kate.

So mothers of multiples don't just have "X" amount of children, nope they have all those kids at the SAME TIME. This is NOT the same as having "oh well my kids are like twins because they are close in age." WRONG. NOT THE SAME. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE.


So I learned to do everything at the same time. I tandem breastfed my kids until I about lost my sanity which was until they were 10 months old. I would solid feed them at the same time with both hands, baths were at the same time, bed times at the same time, naps at the same time. Why all at the same time? Because this is called time management, if you don't know time management as a mother of multiples you have time FOR NOTHING!

I would really like to know if there are other MoM's out there who love to watch Kate Gosselin because she makes life feel normal. That her life is a lot like ours, an organized chaos of trying to raise multiples. I would love to hear from my twin or multiple mamas on the whole Kate thing. Because I feel she gets a bad rap and too many people bag on her......why.....so they can feel better about being a bitch themselves I guess. Who knows. I just don't see the benefit of bagging on a fellow mom....we do what we can with the tools we are given. We learn to evolve with our tools and we evolve from learning other ways of working with our kids and our husbands. I know I have with the grace of my AWESOME therapist "Pat."

I have to say next time you see a mom of twins, triplets, or any other higher order of multiples just give them a smile. They don't need your comments of:

"Man I couldn't imagine."
We know, that's why WE have the multiples and you don't.
"Better you than me."
Thanks! We know how weak you are which is why the higher power chose US to handle more than One at a time.
"You sure have your hands full."
You have NO IDEA and you know what? We love every stinking minute of it with all the hugs and kisses.

Just remember that karma sucks. Every Mom does the best she can, even if she is not raising her kids to YOUR standards. I know I am not perfect, nor is Kate, neither is the mom who is passing judgment on Kate and every other mom trying to do the best she can with what she was given.

The Nerve of Some People...

You know THOSE people. You know the ones that have the nerve, those pots, to call on us kettles? Yes, those rat bastards. I highly dislike them at moments when comments are slung like mud in a wrestling match, I mean, give me some goggles before hand will you!

DH and I were talking today about our typical nonsense. We generally have nothing important to say to each other during the day since he works out of the house. I babble on about housework, kids, bills, and all he hears is "Blah blah...blah blah, yadda blah. Yadda yadda blah." Then he goes on to tell me about his job and his happenings with his job and all I hear is "Piss and moan, piss and moan."

Anyway, I mention to him about my loot that I got in the mail today. I mean the mail lady might as well have been Santa in shorts with the packages. I received my products to review on the kids, among other things. So, I being the excited bloggy, tweeting, over-excited, don't talk to anyone over the age of six during the day, run out to his office to share in my cheerleader-esque tone all my good news and excitement. We banter on about who knows what while I show him all the booty, and I mention how I can't wait to blog about it.

Then he has the nerve. To tell me. Make sure you don't forget to twitter that and whatever hell else you do.

Mmmhmmm.

Right. I told him, yes I do have my addiction to blogging, which by the way is more therapy than an addiction. Blogging is much cheaper than my $75 per hour therapist, whom I do love and adore, but heck I'm cheap....I blog! So I have my addiction, but my addiction is yielding some great stuff for the kids and WOM for these companies, thats what matters. Then, in all my wit, I call him out on his pot stance:

Mmmhmmm, and this WoW (World of Warcraft), do I see WoW yielding any goods? Is WoW going to one day pay the bills? (In reference to my writing among other things) I don't think so, because you have to disconnect to make REAL money....WoW gold doesn't count.

Then he proceeds to tell me....something....I kind of phased him out, oh right, he asked, so you going to go blog and tweet.......and I turned ever so nicely to close the door. I leaned out the door just enough to still be in the room to tell him:

No dear, I am actually going to make dinner. You know what dinner is right? You know, the meal after lunch and generally before breakfast the following day.....a meal you haven't made in a while. Then I peer through the window as I shut the door giving him the most Nanna Nanna Boo Boo face ever.

I know...I am such an adult.

Healthy Snacking

I have been told to snack on stuff like Cottage Cheese (YUCK, GAG, PUKE) mmmm, and other light dairy products when snacking in between meals on my "diet". To be honest I love yogurt and I love fruit so here is what I go for:

Here you go Mom....

This will be one of my TMI blog posts.

I know other Mom's who have had these moments.....

And you wanted to blog about it........

And it was hilarious.....but just TMI

Welcome to the dark side as I tell you my TMI tale.

DH decided he would take Big G to the movies. We debated about the movie because the movie was X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I really didn't have a problem except for the possible violence, but I know the kid has seen worse and heard worse on the news. Plus he is a HUGE superhero fan like no other. Anyway, the big boys were gone leaving me with the Squids. They were sleeping the entire time. YAY for me. I got to blog, finish an article, surf the net, write another article, write some of my paper that I have no interest in.

Needless to say I got a LOT done. So Pickles and Little Bitty finally wake up and I feed them their lunch and I have an issue. I HAVE to go to the bathroom. Sure no problem right, just go!

Not so easy. You see, Little Bitty is fearless, a trained escape artist and clown extraordinaire. I cannot leave her in her high chair alone, she climbs out and pretends that she is King Kong of the high chair, shaking it wildly, screaming and barking like a dog... you get the picture. So I am fearful she will fall and break something.

So I hurriedly remove them from their high chairs and beeline down the hall to the bathroom.

Here is the deal....................I'm stalling I know..........................my Aunt Flo is not kind to me. Never has been. I have NASTY back pain. I mean I would rather have back labor again than to have the back pain Aunt Flo provides. Aunt Flo is visiting me, she dropped in today. Lovely. When Aunt Flo visits she also brings other issues south of the border.....like BM issues. Not the pipes are clogged, oh no, my pipes are runneth over.

I make it to the bathroom and forget to shut the door....easy to do in my house when in a hurry. So Pickles Magoo decides he is going to strollingly crawl into the bathroom and keep an eye on his favorite woman, which happens to be me. While diddling in the bathroom keeping an eye on me he becomes distracted.

WHAT WAS THAT BELLOWING ECHO


COMING FROM THAT PORCELAIN SEAT?

Yes. The boy heard what no woman wants to admit she does.....SHART.

Oh, I could feel the flush in my face. I am not quite sure why it mattered because I was looking straight at a person who craps his pants ALL the time. He has no shame, he thinks his penis is an attached play toy, his butt is a tickle zone, why am I embarrassed.

But then more. More noise, I am a scene straight out of Dumb & Dumber and all I can do is finish so I can not be in this white room with a small child watching me. And then......he tries to help me in my moment of total nature nastiness...........

The sweet little boy with the cutest cheeks, happy smile, pale skin, and bold blue eyes looks up with his precious smiling face and hands me a diaper.

Yes ladies.......my 15 month old hands me a diaper.

At that moment I was so proud to know that I gave birth to such an intelligent child that he knew that what I needed......was a diaper.

Questionable Questions

These words are words, phrases, sentences, questions, inquiries you never want to hear uttered from the mouth of your loving DH. I have heard these and in most instances I can answer with one word, a smile, or the look with the eyebrow. Ladies you know that look. The one where you look at DH or some other poor dolt inquirer.

You look at them like "Did you really just ask me that and do you expect an intelligent answer to your clearly daft question?"

So here are a few crowd pleasers that I incur from DH, strangers in Costco who cannot help themselves, and other dolts:


1. Are these clean or dirty? (text can be applied to dishes or clothes)

My response is the look, then I tell him....well do they stink? Do they have gunk on them? Which appliance are they in...dryer means they are dry....after being cleaned! Dishwasher, do they look clean to you?

2. Did you feed the kids yet?

Hmmm, no I was too busy blogging, Tweeting, sending emails that I decided to pour Cheerios all over the floor and let them forage for a few hours before I actually got around to making them a meal.

3. Are you already showered?

I generally smell of my designer perfume (Ralph Lauren Glamorous is one of my faves), I have fresh make-up instead of my Frankenstein Bride eyes, and my shoes are on.....what do you think?

4. Oh wow, are they identical?

Considering that identical means the same.....hmmmm....well one has a penis and the other a vagina...highly doubt they are the same.

5. Do twins run in your family?

This is a "digger" as I call them. Some random unknown individual decides they need to know whether you needed invitro or not to start up a lengthy conversation. Believe me if I had invitro, I would be in a straight jacket....born to breed!

6. How do you do it?

I mean really do I have a choice in this life? I was given a couple of peaches, a pear, and other fruits in my life...I made a salad.

7. What's for dinner?

Let me ask "Cookie" since she's in there whipping up some gourmet delight with macaroni and cheese, turkey burger.......why don't you make dinner for once. Oh right, if it doesn't have instructions you are lost.

8. (laying peacefully, quietly in bed as I doze into my slumber wonderland) You going to sleep?

What was the first clue?

9. Have you seen my shoes? belt? jeans? Other random article of clothing belonging to someone else OTHER than moi.

Let's see, I tried it on but was clashing with my shoes today and my other ensemble.

10. Are they all your children?

No, I got these two on sale from a lady down the street and this one the UFO dropped off six years ago. We're still waiting for them to come back for him.

11. Do they all have the same daddy?

Nope....I decided it would be fun to have twins from two different fathers, and my oldest looks nothing (identical) like his father. I got that question from a dude at Home Depot one day.

12. Is that you or the dog?

Do we really need to go there?

13. Did you clean the house?

Nope, a truckload of munchkins, dwarves and fairies swooped in today and did it all for me, then even left a pair of ruby red slippers for me.

14. Are you going to wear that?

Why does it make my ass look any smaller? If so heck ya! It's black, does it get any better?

15. Are you going somewhere?

Keys in hand, purse (diaper bag) on shoulders, sunglasses....nope...this is how I stroll around the house.

16. Are the twins asleep?

I don't hear anything.....do you? (*crickets) Oh wait, there they are, duct taped to the wall, no wonder the house was so quiet.

17. (sitting on the comode) What are you doing?

(Do I truly have to answer?).....I'm thinking. I do my best thinking with my pants at my ankles sitting on the latrine with little people and adults looking at me.

*UPDATE
18. This one is courtesy of Jenjen @ Gotta Love Mom : Are you tired?

Let's see I am a mom.....first clue....I wear many hats (chauffeur, maid, dog walker, gardener, pool guy/girl, sex goddess, domestic diva, the list is endless)...second clue....and my work seems to never be done is the final clue. So you tell me....are you tired from listening to me?

19. These are from my dear twin Mom blogger Beth @ Be Careful What You Wish For: "oh my god, what are you going to do?" (The question when you tell people you are going to have twins)

Beth and I were separated at birth, twin moms have this sick sense of humor, which is why God deemed us fit enough to bear and care for more than one child at the same time. Here is Beth's answer and I almost choked I was laughing so hard:

"i always wished i had the guts to say "actually, we've been looking into black market baby sales and it seems like a good deal. i think we are just going to sell them on the internet."

20. Another Beth question and answer that I love! "Are you marrying your baby's father?"

Can you imagine if i were to ask people this question in reverse?!?! "Oh, is this baby your husband's?" (Go give Beth some comment love and a follow, she's got some great stuff going on her blog! Just click on her linky above)

Do you have any obvious questions that never truly need answers, but find a shady form of comedy to entertain the question to keep from losing your mind. Leave your comments, I would love to share with other Mom's and Dad's. Happy Friday!

Keep the comments coming ladies....you know you have had some really stupid questions asked that you where you have experienced a hidden urge to slap the person who asked. All in good fun.

Summer Reviews and Giveaways!

I was contacted by a pair of lovely PR ladies the other day. One of whom wants my gnomes to test out some really cool summer products! I am ecstatic to review them because my gnomes will be spending a lot more time outside now that the weather is warmer and school is out. Not to mention that my pool is already a tepid 83 degrees! In addition to the review.....GIVEAWAY!! So stay tuned for that great stuff.

I also have the opportunity to catch up on my much needed reading! All the reading I have been doing for the last three years are text books. So I am happy to announce that my nose will be pulled from the text books and shoved back into some much needed, much appreciated, much loved novels, books, and short stories. These items will be reviewed and shared with you all as well, which will be super fantastic! Some great reads for mom by the pool....multi-tasking and reviewing multiple products at one time....bring on more!!! I can handle it....I have twins HEAR ME ROAR!!

Here is a glimpse of the summer products! Based on my these for the elementary school so I am super excited!! Make sure you Digg, Stumble, or Technorati these sites, I know I did.

MFS Eyewear

Sun Protection Zone

Wordful Wednesday

You see that smoking hot chick?

By smoking I mean the blond with the cigarette and all?!

Yes, that smoking blond is me.....or should I say was me.

You see I was a HUGE smoker. I loved to smoke. I couldn't go anywhere or be anywhere without my stogies. I used to smoke so much I would make certain vehicles look environmentally friendly. I would smoke 2 packs of Marlboro Red's a day when I worked in the car business. The thought of smoking that much now makes my chest burn. While I did finally cut down...and changed from Red's to Ultra Lights (like there is THAT much of a difference.....a cigarette is still a cigarette) I never could just quit. Until two years ago I was finally able to kick the habit!

I have been completely smoke free for TWO YEARS!!! This is not to say that I have not had my moments of weakness. Where I have been so stressed that I just wanted to run to the corner store and pick up a pack and light up. Yes I have been there, yes I still have cravings. But the best part is.....I tried to take a drag of my sister's cigarette and about choked and died!! I couldn't believe I would suck those things down like candy! I truly hate the way smokers smell, just like an ashtray that has been watered down....the stale icky smell. But, I do love the way a fresh lit cigarette smells. I can get a contact high just from the smell of a cigarette. The best part about that is....I can smell a cigarette and not ever want to smoke one again. The scent is enough for my poor addiction sensors to be calmed. So when you think you can't quit, or you will quit, or oh when I am ready.....you can do it. Do it in your time, when the time is right for you and don't pressure yourself. Quitting smoking has been compared to heroine addiction if that tells you anything. I know that I love going places and not having to worry if I have my smokes or not being able to swim multiple laps in my pool because I am winded. A whole new life awaits you as a non-smoker. So that "smoking" hot girl used to be me.....now I am just HOT! HA HA

Happy Wednesday!

Be sure you go check out Angie at Seven Clown Circus, grab her button, and share about your picture that you can't stop talking about!

Not Getting It....

I love my moms that dropped by to share their comments about Mother's Day Sucks! But I have to say that some people are NOT getting the message. I wasn't bagging on Mother's Day, I wasn't saying that my day sucked, I am not that negative. I am a realist...which is why most people dislike me, I give you everything you wanted without a big red bow, without the sugar, just raw, pure, unadulterated slap you in the face good 'ol honesty *UPDATE There is no drama in honesty, if there is...well then the saying IS true.....ALL THE WORLD IS A STAGE.

Here is the deal with Mother's Day. You moms, and you know who you are, that go around telling everyone what a "Joy joy wonderful" day you had are full of it! Yup you are grade A, 100% full of minutiae and I will tell you why before you stop following me or leave me a nasty comment that I will leave for ALL to see. You moms are settling. You are settling for ONE lousy ass day for people to treat you like you are special, to appreciate you, to tell you endlessly that they love you. WHY THE HELL DO YOU ALLOW THIS ONLY ON ONE DAY? And then brag about what a singularly wonderful day you had and then the rest suck a goats ear. I say you are settling.

You are settling for less when you deserve more. You deserve to be told at least once a day, once a week, or once every 12 hours that you are appreciated. If you are not being told this or your husband and or children are looking at you like you are speaking Greek then go on strike. If you are not being TOLD everyday at least that you are appreciated then quit. In all honesty quit your job. At a real job you are told you are appreciated, you get a paycheck. The paycheck of being a mom and being a stay at home mom at that is being told you are appreciated.

Some of you are arguing saying "Well I know they appreciate me." Great, so why not tell you more or more often for that matter. Why do we settle for one day, maybe two a year to receive flowers. Do different flowers not bloom year round? Can you not buy a Hallmark card anytime and anywhere for that matter? Can you not tell me on more than just one day a year how much I am appreciated?

I used to get so angry with DH because I would power clean my house, where you could eat off the floors like they were the finest wood ever laid and my stainless steel was so clean you could use the appliances as mirrors, and then he would just leave clothes, dishes, and whatever strewn everywhere and completely destroy my masterpiece. I thought I am going to quit...to hell with cleaning. But I cannot do that. Why not? I am a clean control freak, I am so OCD about cleaning. I mean I venture into the area around the toilet to clean that no man has gone before....and I do mean no man. If my man went there I know I would get more appreciation as he would see the schtuff I put up with for cleaning, can you say HazMat?

So I finally yelled at him and he asked what exactly I wanted. To be honest I wasn't sure at the time, but then I was sure. I wanted appreciation. I wanted to be appreciated for the hard work I do around the house. I don't mind hard work at all, cleaning, yard work, those are all my muse for blog content in addition to the kids. I can putter at my work and think quietly in my head, taking note, and then I am able to look at what I accomplished. And the victory is even sweeter when someone tells me "Wow, looks great babe. Thank you, we appreciate you." Those few words make every day a great day. I don't need a pedicure, or a luncheon, flowers, or a card, while they are appreciated I don't need and or want them. I love the daily appreciation, love, and respect from the everyday and not just on Mother's Day.

For you Mom's that had an average day and nothing spectacular, that's okay. Accept this. I have lived long by this "Expect the worst and hope for the best" that way I am never disappointed or let down. Especially on days like Mother's Day, but I am not saying I had a craptastic day, I had a nice day, again nothing spectacular, just a really great average day. So while I didn't have one day where I was treated like a queen, I know that everyday I am a princess who is loved and adored and always goes to bed with her prince. So ladies, here is to you for being a mom!!

A mom has the hardest job on Earth. You are appreciated, you are loved, and you are special, EVERYDAY not just Mother's Day.

Drumroll........One Lovely Blog

The award goes to ME!! My lovely and giving friend Veronica Lee over at Of Rice and raMen was so kind to award and gift me with the lovely award of One Lovely Blog.



In all my ranting and venting she brought me back down to tell me that even in the storm we can find blue skies. So I thank you Miss Veronica and send you my love for being so kind and sharing this bloggy award. Now I am to share this so I am going to psycho comment on all my mommy blogs that I love and adore and follow....all 117 of them and I will....I will post that they get the award if it's the last thing I do.

Ideas, sponsors, and feedback..Oh my!

So I want to do some fun stuff with being frugal in this economy. I am thinking of doing a frugal week but am lacking inspiration for some reason or another. Not quite sure why I am lack inspiration I mean I am the penny pinching bitch of mankind and I can handle money like no other but am lacking inspiration. I want to find some really frugal money saving products, I mean BIG savings, not just a few bucks here and there. I am not discounting (ha, pardon the pun) the smaller savings, but when you live on a budget, times are tough and the cost of goods is on the rise....you need BIG savings. If you are a company, fellow blogger, entrepreneur, or my favorite average Joe let me know your ideas or let me try out your product in ALL honesty to let you know the overall savings amounts. I mean I am a finance guru, I can do math like no other!! Compound equations got nothing on me!

I also want to do some really cool, innovative organic and or green products. I do not think we do enough to promote the importance of organic. Organic reduces the carbon foot print we leave by leaps and bounds, plus all the health benefits of not pumping extra chemicals and garbage into our systems. I am thinking a "Green Team" or "The Big O" on organic so give me your feedback and let's see if we can't do something fun on the net again.

I mean who really wants to bitch about BK's Square butts commercial? Not me!

Mothers Day SUCKS!

I know I am such a Scrooge and I am sure most of the Mom's who are reading this are saying "But how can such a wonderful day suck, you are just so negative Mrs. Fish." Well you know I am not really negative, just totally honest, blunt, and forthright with the fact that Mother's Day is no different than Valentine's or Easter. Honestly the day is just another day for Hallmark to reap the rewards of poor suckers to go out and buy some sappy card about how much they love their Mama's and how Mama's are so special. Why the hell do we need a day for this, really? I mean we, females, are the only mammals that can carry, bear, and care for our young like no other. We are the foundation and rock of the entire family unit, everyone depends on Mama.

Don't get me wrong I am sure that plenty of single Dad's can handle the job of Mom, but the bond of mother and child is like no other and if you tell me different, well then you didn't bond with your child like the majority of other mothers did and have.

So I have to say that Mother's Day sucks! We expect to have this grandioso day of celebration, relaxation and pampering. What effing planet do you live? Sure I had breakfast made for me, but I still cleaned up the dishes, sure a paper was brought to me, but I still had to put it in the recycle, sure messes were made by the kids and guess what.....I was still left to clean them. For those mom's who got a scot free day....how nice, but guess what, you got a hearty dose of reality today as Monday has come upon us and it's back to the old grind again. At least I can say that I didn't expect my mother's day to be filled with relaxation, pampering and being able to not "be a mom." I still comforted those who needed (like my Pickles Magoo who was a little under the weather.....which is why I failed to blog for some days), rocked my babies to sleep, kissed those and wished them a good night, and made the best Mac N Cheese, even if from the microwave, it was still made with love and they all appreciated that dinner was made by Mom.

I think Mother's Day should be everyday, why have one special day to celebrate all that makes a Mom, Mom. I tell my Mom almost everyday how much I love her and she knows by my own accomplishments as an individual that she had some part in my actions and where I am today. So Hallmark, to HELL with your effing holiday, everyday should be mother's day. Be sure to tell the Mom's in your life and all the Mom's you know how special they are everyday, and show a bit of gratitude for the hard work we Mama's do all the time.

The Mother Load of Appliances

When I went and checked out this link I couldn't believe I was looking at Frigidaire of all appliances! I was absolutely amazed at all the options beyond the standard old white and almond we are used to seeing with Frigidaire. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the laundry system that has all the different wash options including a 25 minute cycle. That's great in my household where you need clothes in a jiffy. Go check out the Frigidaire site and fill out the questionnaire of what you would do with an extra hour in your day!