The Fish Out of Water

Goodbye is the healthiest action anyone can take when looking to end something. Everything truly comes to an end whether we realize the situation or not. I love to say goodbye. Closure. Finito. My finale. A closed chapter per se.

I am a soul seeker, I look for answers and when I am faced with numerous options and not the definitive answer I do what all people do...NOTHING. Why? Why act on emotion and the unknowing, why act on the drama of a three act play waiting for the curtain call only the curtains never do call.

I stated that I started my blog with specific intentions, my outlet, my freedom to express what life is like in my home (world), with my children, myself, and my husband. By no means am I saying I am "special" or a chosen one but just a socialite stay at home mom, housewife and former career woman who can share the angst's of life and that we are not alone in our feelings, our momentary insanity, our trials in parenthood, our failures and successes as individuals in our many roles. My blog began to take a fun turn....reviews, giveaways, contests, Oh my! I was Dorothy traveling the yellow brick road, I was off to see the wonderful wizard of blogs. Only I felt more like Alice tripping down a rabbit hole, only that rabbit hole was laced with LSD and bad trips.

Taking a step back allowed and still allows me an insight into the world of "blogging" and the interaction in "social media." What I find completely interesting is the dynamics in this virtual and alternate reality. I also saw a side of myself I did not like, someone I was morphing into that was not me. Even "me" wasn't me anymore as I watched bits here and there of my soul being chipped away by those who could take my good heart and genuine sincerity and deplete my reserves, little by little. I watched as COMPLETE strangers made character assassinations in a weak and pathetic attempt to gain an advantage. One I can now look at and laugh hysterically at the sheer pain, anger, and rage pent up in such individuals to attack someone at such a level. Truly a sad, sad day for them in their actions, and an even prouder day for me...that I can take pity on their wretched souls as they burn from the inside out. Taking a step back allows for total and complete reflection, removing oneself from the aquarium.

Continuing on my path I would have morphed into the juggernaut of blogs. A completely destructive force to myself, my family, and those around me creating a catastrophic area of effect. Supernova is what comes to mind. A bright star becoming so consumed with itself burning into oblivion. What would be the purpose? Sure I could go forth and monetize my blog, become a "top mom blogger," get great invites, go on trips, and then what? Really what is the next level? Total world domination. Why? What would be the reason? Is that really my goal? Is that really what I want? Nope. Why not you ask?

My goal has and will always be law school. I was a born negotiator, mediator, and royal piss you the fuck off because I am ALWAYS right kind of person. My goal is to continue to be the best, happiest, healthiest mom to my kids and so they learn what took me well into my 30s to figure out. My goal is to be a fabulous socialite wife and lover to my husband. My goal is to continue to be a strong and awesome friend, sister, and overall real deal of a human being, to continue to be true to myself and those around me.

Sometimes in life we become so engulfed in what we are doing, where we are going, who we are sharing with that we tear down the walls we had built with precision to protect ourselves from our own demise. Then we are entrenched into our situation we are blinded, almost delusional because our view of reality is so obtuse. Boundaries are created for a reason and if we do not respect or realize our own boundaries, no one else will either. Reaching center allows you to survey everything and take inventory.

Growing Up is Hard to Do

After posting my New Year's montage the comments from you, my readers, triggered a whirlwind of thoughts. One comment specifically from my friend over @ A Nut In a Nutshell mentioned how I appeared to be a bit of a party girl.

I used to be.

I used to party every night I could from the time I had my own car in high school until....well I grew up. Until sometime in my 20s I found that partying and going to the bars and dealing with all that minutiae was just that. CRAP. A load of bullshit and really, what was the point? What point was there to hitting the bar and drinking until buzzed or partially intoxicated? Fun?! What was so fun about making an ass of oneself? What was so fun about chugging water and taking B12 the following day, possibly even a Bloody Mary for a taste of the hair of the dog that bit you.

But I got over it. I got over the need to sow any wild oats, I got tired of the wasteful spending on alcohol, the running amok and doing what I wanted got old. Real. Fast. Why? Because from 18-25 I got to be me. I had the opportunity to evaluate crucial moments in my life, I lived, I effed up, A LOT, I learned, I was me, for me, and only me. What people don't realize is how much really truly happens in the pivotal age range of 18-25:

• Graduate High school and move out
• Go to College, live on your own, maybe with roommates
• Work first REAL job, maybe while attending college
• Meet life long friends, or continue friendships forged previous to high school
• Graduate college
• Obtain first REAL job with college credentials
  
• Gain life experience
• Possibly buy first car, open first credit card, maybe buy a house 
  
• Do the walk of shame (maybe more than once)
• Get arrested
• Avoid getting arrested
• Get married
• Figure out what you are going to do with your life (generally at age 20 this comes to mind)
• Figure out what you are going to be when you grow up
• Meet a future spouse, or get engaged
  

As you can see a general and brief smorgasbord of events happen from the time you age from 18-25. However, some people never experience these events and the reason why is their life choices which makes their growing up experience much more different. Because their experiences will vary so greatly, their experiences during the pivotal age range will shape their adulthood beyond age 25. Even one (possibly two) bad decisions will transform your life.

The Chad was a wise young man when he shared these facts with me. He was maybe, at best, cresting 25 himself when he shared the fact of growing up to me when I was barely cresting 20. By the time I was 20 I had done almost everything stated above....except get married, figure out what I want to be when I grow up, have kids, I mean I was still a kid myself.

During the time of 18-25 you figure yourself out as a person. A singular person. No longer are you a child in your parents home. No longer are you a student in an "elementary" school, requiring your attendance. You are an adult. A singular being deciphering the game of life, day by day, moment by moment. Curfew is something for kids who "live at home" or at best "Minors" for the sake of calling a legal adult an adult. More time is spent with your friends in a non-parental defying manner. Responsibility is learned, respect, self-respect, boundaries, self-awareness, quite literally you become a person you never thought you knew you could be, were or are. All the while the only responsibility you had...was to yourself. No one else, not to your parents, just yourself, and self-discipline was actualized.

But some do not evolve in this same manner. They missed the polar age range of evolution into albeit adulthood. Because once you crown your late 20s and truly are a "20 something" finally certain life aspects begin to click, the biological clock begins to tick for some, the desire to settle down, the want to be more in life, want more out of life, the realization of some form of deprivation exists in your life. Some desired affirmations:

I want to get married
I want to have children
I want to buy a house, a Lexus, furniture
I want to remodel
I want to be and do more

You begin to sound and act like your parents in a sense. The way they might have acted before having children. The standard progression into "adulthood" if I may. I look back at my pictures that The Chad and I took and we did A LOT. We traveled, we partied (a LOT because we had the means), we bought lots of luxury cars before I was even old enough to receive the late 20s auto insurance discount, I bought a house, got credit cards that were maxed and paid off a lot, and shortly before I turned 25 I realized I wanted more.

So in my time frame I did a lot, I learned A LOT, I cried a lot, cursed growing up, was frustrated, pissed, confused, lost and found, but most of all I had fun. I had fun figuring out what the hell I was doing, where I was going, who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life. I realized what I was and was not ready for, what I could and could not handle, the events that needed time and the events that needed to be put on hold. More so, I saw those who missed out. People who missed the 18-25 bus and did not get the chance to fail and succeed, live and learn, be an individual without anyone or anything tying them down, they missed out on being an "adult" and figuring out how to grow up. I found that I truly grew up, that my late teens and my earliest 20s were for fun. My mid-20s I started to have everything click, my late 20s I truly settled down. I had a son by this time, we bought another house, celebrated some wedding anniversaries, fell down and picked ourselves back up again. I am lucky I had my late teens and early 20s to figure life out by myself, no tie downs, no responsibility except to myself, no boundaries except my own, just me, by myself.

 

Now moving well into my 30s I can look back and laugh. I can enjoy my life of what I did, some of the mistakes I made and definitely learned from, the choice to marry when I did, have kids when I did, to look at the life I was leading and the life I wanted to lead. I grew up. I am still growing up. But now I can admit I know a lot of nothing, where before I thought I knew everything. I can also look back and know I have NO REGRETS. If I regretted any decisions I made, didn't make, should have made, I would not be where I am today. What were your choices? Where are you in your life? Are you still figuring life out?

Here is a beautifully written post by my friend Jenine. You know her as Badger Momma, absolutely breath taking the way 18-25 can shape your life in one way or another.

He Hung and Roped the Moon

The ache, the constant nag, the swollen, sore eyes. While I wish these were all signs of my allergies I am heartbroken, at a loss, a loss beyond all words. Some of you have probably read my sisters very lovely post and we share our loss.

My dear, beloved Rock of the family. My Grandfather.

My grandpa is, was, and will be the only man I know who could look at me and see right through me. He KNEW me! He loved me and I loved him beyond everything man, material, cosmic, and heavenly.

He led a very long, experienced and good life. He was born in Indiana if I recall correctly, he served in the Navy where he met his long time wife, love, and pain in his ass my grandmother. He would goat her like no one's business, life to him was to be enjoyed. They met when she was young, she was 16 and he was 23, and on a blind date, arranged by her friend. Grandma said it was love at first site! Grandma and Grandpa have five children, 10 grandchildren, and nine great grandchildren.

Grandpa loved life and said if life was not enjoyed by you, it was not worth living. He told me that once when I was a little girl when we were handling his horse and that statement has stuck with me ever since.

He had many horses actually. He is and was my original cowboy. If ever you thought of a cowboy he was THE ONE. Rough, soft hands, tall and lean, strong and wiry. He was stern and gentle, sweet and saucy, mean and quiet all at once. You could smell the sweat and dirt on his Stetson (I can still recall the smell to this day), manure and dirt on his boots, the smell of the warm denim of his jeans, the leather from his chaps and saddle, the smell of a pipe or a cigarette lingering in his shirt mingled with the warm smell of cologne, a Polo brand. He was something to be reckoned with and a sight to see. I have only seen him angry once and he was never a man to fear, he was a man who demanded a sort of respect I have not seen to this day.

Grandpa had a story for everything. He was the man of the hour to take you on his lap, tell you all you needed to know about baseball and basketball, Horses and cars, life, men, and women. He was so wise beyond his years. He was not perfect but he was perfect to me. He loved his family like none other, family is, was, and will always be his life. He was my life. I could spend hours staring into his bold blue eyes, the eyes that never faded or changed with age, they were electric, all knowing, all loving, and you could always see his spunk.

I carry an immense amount of guilt though with his passing yesterday (October 17, 2009). All week I meant to email my grandmother to find the right time to come see him where he would not be uncomfortable. His health had deteriortated rapidly from when I saw him at Christmas. So a visit would almost incapicitate him, so I wanted to schedule time where I would leave the kids at home. Where I could have time with him alone as I knew this would upset his schedule. I never sent the email. I never got to see him one last time. I am riddled with guilt, at a loss. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how he was my rock for the last 31 years, that I would be lost without him but I knew I would take his strength, his love to conquer all that I have. That because of him I have never lost sight, I always went for the impossible, I made the impossible possible because he knew I could do it. He told me never let anything get in the way of something profound and meaningful in your life.

Grandpa knew I had an unbridled fury for life and for exploring life. Grandpa and I were and are one in the same. We shared our secrets, he never judged and we knew how important we are and were to one another, how he still is my eternal love, he is the most genuine being I have ever met. Everything he said he meant, he used his words wisely. He taught me that I could be a lady, a girl, a woman, a mother, a tom-boy, and always be beautiful. He taught me to dance and to love Sinatra, he taught me to dance to Sinatra (Luck be a Lady) and the man could dance like a pro, as if he had clouds under his feet.

My dear Grandpa Dan, I know you are at peace, but selfish me wants you back, to give you your breath and take away the hurt and pain for one more day to spend with you, but in the words of Frank, you always did it your way!
I love you, your oldest Granddaughter, Kare Babe.

Got Squirrels?

The hairy little beast roughly the size of say a small terrier dog came out to inspect the situation.

For some time now we have had a family of squirrels that have inhabited our neighbors yard. Yes, the neighbors. Better them than us is the way we saw the situation. Then they multiplied. And like any good growing family, your territory and domecile needs grow as well.

This morning while sipping on my warm cup of Zen admiring my pool and backyard in all its overgrown, need to call Yolanda to mow it, glory I saw the hairy little rodent. I call upon DH to come view the monster in action. Here is how our conversation goes down:

Me: Babe.....look at the size of the little bastard. He is the size of a yip yip dog. He's just hanging out by the pool.

DH: Yeah, looks like he is scouting the area.

Me: I was thinking the same thing, he is either scoping for food or a new place to live. I wonder if he opened the tunnel we filled up with water.

DH: We? You mean you filled with water and then they dammed it because they thought some catastrophic flood was imminent.

Me: You would have done the same thing. Science, to see the depths of said hole that the little fur-rodents dug.

DH: You know that is their best CSI Squirrel right? He is out taking evidence since you put that rock in the middle of the tunnel opening to see if it would be moved. Part of your "science".

Me: Right because they could smell my fingerprints on the rock so they were taking inventory of the scene. Making sure they had a different tunnel path, escape route.

DH: Exactly. You know those CSI Squirrels, they have moxie when it comes to you. Their tunnels are like the French Resistance and you are the SS.

By this time I knew I had to take note of the squirrels. I had to grab the camera and take a picture. To show EVERYONE my issue with the squirrels.  See my FABULOUS evidence of squirrels

Exactly.

Where are the effing squirrels?

The little bastards evaded me...YET. AGAIN! So I let the morning simmer a bit, especially after my conversation with DH that I had to truly write down this time so I did not forget. Because dementia happens.

I took the liberty this afternoon to inspect the squirrel habitat again and their efforts...fancy that...the original hole filled in and a new tunnel system.

 

Hide and Seek of Guilty Evidence

Kids, and even adults are so funny when they are busted. I mean they act like "What?" "Who me?" "What are you talking about?"

Big G is the biggest offender of this. He is allowed one sugary type drink or snack a day, if that. And the option is one or the other...NOT BOTH. We limit his sugar because his little body simply cannot metabolize sugar into a normal energy way. I mean most kids get on a sugar high that is completely normal, but my child...WATCH OUT! The boy acts like he received a hearty dose of epinephrine straight to his system. He is like watching a car with nitrous oxide injection, fast, fast, burn, and then the choke out. By choke out, the kid is a disaster, he is completely incorrigible. To some, thats fine they may have the patience to deal with that type of disaster and crisis management. Me? NO THANKS. My boy is even keel, but when sugar kicks in, he is out of hand!

So he has been on his smoothie kick lately. No problem with the smoothies, you get one a day. Just like the Danactive. Even though they are a dairy type drink, the sugar content is enough to push the kid into the Asshole Zone of incorrigible.

While I was in the garage, cleaning and arranging our numerous piles of stuff that needs to be sold, donated, weeded through, trashed, you name it I found empty packages. Empty packages of what you ask? Well the Danactive probiotic yogurt drinks that I told him he can only have one a day.

I pick up the evidence and take said evidence in the house. Knowing full and well, he was the one. DH tosses stuff on the floor of the garage, but not like that, mostly sawdust, and whatever other project he is working on and he does so in a dubious manner. These empty little packages were strategically placed in a very inconspicuous spot. So as not to detect they were there. Little did he know that I am not a complete genius, but I am far from oblivious and stupid.

I confront the boy.

Me: G, what is this?
G: Um......um.......um.......I dunno.
Me: (Clearly pissed at his blatant act of stupidity and failing to fess up) If you lie to me now you will be in more trouble. I ask you again.....What are these?
G: Yogurt drinks.
Me: And why are they empty in the garage....and in hiding places in the garage?
G: Um....um.....um......
Me: Don't start that again, what are they doing in there and hiding? Why did you hide them? Why are you sneaking them?
G: I dunno....(clearly starting to cry and feel sorry for himself for being caught)
Me: You lose the Wii and you no longer get drinks like this again for a week too. You will only drink your organic milk or water. THAT'S IT!!!

What children and some adults have not learned is that you cannot hide something. No matter if that something is bad or good, a trail is always left behind somewhere of something that was done wrong. I know I have found that out.....hence the private blog open ONLY to invitation only (email me if you want an invite add for author or reader). But I love that I put Sitemeter on there so I can still track those who hit that blog, just DYING to read what is written behind the veil of privacy. But the moral that I have taught my kids, and one taught to me is, PUNT....always tell the truth. Kick the ball down field even if you are at the 4th down, with no time outs, and 50 yards to go, everything to lose! Or better yet, if there are two outs, and only a runner on first, just hit the truth as hard as you can. It hurts, man does it hurt, but later you won't have anything eating at your conscience that you didn't try, you didn't give it your all and be true to what you feel. I mean who wouldn't feel the best knowing they hit the ball as hard as they could with the bat, hitting the biggest outfield hit they could, even if caught, they still cranked it out.

From now on, Big G has learned that all you have to do is ask, or just fess up. A simple question. He may not always like the answer, but he will learn as he grows into an adult, we don't always like what we hear or the answer we are given, but at least we got an answer.

The Phoenix Rises

With every life there is death. The story and life of the Phoenix is my favorite. Not only for the immortality but for the story that the Phoenix seems to die a painful death in it's very own flames, and rises anew from it's ashes. Today, I feel like the Phoenix.

I created a very painful death for a part of my life, for personal relationships that exist in my life, some with bearing, others with no bearing, so no real loss, however a death of me nonetheless. As I said before a painful death, one I did not want to experience, but one I did bring upon myself.

The silver lining to all of this is I am risen anew.

I have seen the err of my ways, I have learned a powerful and valuable lesson and lessons. I have gained irreplaceable friendships in this forum that I cherish to every end and they are guiding me, sharing with me, feeling with me. They too share the experiences I do on so many levels. Which is the best part about blogging, is not being alone, knowing that being at home with your kids all day that other mothers share the exact same triumphs, failures, losses, and excitement.

So here I am before you with my fledgling wings, ready to fly again. Having risen from my own fiery death, molten in my own ashes, to rise and have a life of rebirth in my blog, in my writing, and in my life. My lessons learned:

• Know your audience. I from now on will no longer post anything beyond my immediate family or the family that blogs together (sister, sister, etc).
  
• Know your friends and know your enemies, sometimes the friend is a foe.
• Never regret (which I never did, but started to, if you regret, you regret the lesson learned or fail to learn it altogether)
• Never apologize for your feelings, only apologize for hurtful actions, not the hurtful truth.

With that I am creating a new blog, completely private which I love. I will invite readers of my choosing or those who want to read it, or maybe, an idea I was kicking around in the shower, a blog by invitation only where we can share all the crap we are afraid to share anywhere else in a private, trusting, secure forum, we write what we want with no fear of reprisal or retaliation. If you are interested in becoming an author or reader please feel free to email me.
The title is rightfully titled "Letters We Never Intend to Send" where we post everything we want to say so we get the negative feelings out, no one gets hurt, and we ease the personal pain, frustration, anger, etc that we feel in a safe and secure forum.

I am back, I am ready to blog. I am finding peace in my actions, I have learned a lesson, I was the firebird who died among her life and is reborn of the ashes she left behind. Now I am leaving you with the quote that I enjoy so much from the Feng Shui Handbook, a quote that I believe fit me and the way I see myself in my own life and surroundings:

"A mythical bird that never dies, the phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our capacity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environments and the events unfolding within it. The phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration." (feng shui Master Lam Kam Chuen)

I am Quitting my Job

This morning when Pickles Magoo, who I think we are going to call Seth-en-Stein from now on because he is FINALLY starting to walk, a little, walks like Frankenstein. Plus he is so big and bulky like Franken, so what the heck, sounds good. Seth-en-stein (with 80's zombies voice)

So Seth-en-Stein decides that 5 a.m. is the most fabulous time to start talking in my bed. I know dumb that he was even in my bed, but he was there because at 1 a.m. when you are praying for sleep because the big baby won't go to sleep, you let him snuggle with you. Which by the way I rarely do, I highly dislike other people in my bed. Anyway, Seth-en-Stein begins talking, singing, crawling all over DH and I. Ok, I can semi-ignore this and get a few more Z's. WRONG!

The little monster, I mean my little sweet boy, decides to start smacking DH and I because he thinks the sounds of slapping skin in hilarious! WRONG AGAIN! I try to go back to sleep yet again and put Seth-en-Stein on the floor to go play.

I have been SOOOOOOOOOOO WRONG today. He goes in and wakes up Big G and the Little Bitty. FANTASTIC!! Now everyone is awake and the time is barely reading 6 a.m. FABULOUS!

Big G decides to crawl in bed with DH and I, and then DH grabs Seth-en-Stein to throw him back in bed with us. WTF?! I mean seriously, are you kidding me? Now I am dealing with a ton of penises praying for intelligent life to show somewhere when I finally kick everyone out of bed!

I huff and storm out of the room, make coffee as LOUD as I can, even running the garbage disposal out of sheer spite and frustration, to no avail. DH is still in there, SNORING.

Oh and did I mention that my washer went out of commission last night....yeah! With a full load of water and laundry in it. I hope it is an easy fix, because seriously, I can't take it anymore!

At that point I decided to officially quit my job...........only I am not sure which one to quit!!!???

• Maid
• Nanny
• Chef
• Cook
• Baker
• Coffee Maker
• Gardener (oh crap....I need to go turn off the water! BRB)

• Landscaper
• Pool Guy
• Launderer
• Dish Washer
• Dog Groomer
• Dog Walker
• Garbage Man
• Recycle Extraordinaire
• Soap Maker
• Teacher
• Chauffeur
  
• Personal Shopper
• Sex Kitten
• Loan Officer
• Wife
• Mom

So seriously those are the only jobs that I can think of off hand with only a single cup of coffee and I am not sure which one to quit. Maybe after another cup of coffee I will quit one and ask for a raise, or maybe vacation time.

Wrong Tube of Toothpaste

Oh this is going to be such a long summer. I so desperately need to get my Big G involved in something. Crafts, arts, exercising, something other than his Wii, the daily dip in the pool, and his short stint of cartoons for the day.

This morning while we were all rushing around trying to get ready to take my car into the dealership for some much needed warranty work I hurried Big G into getting ready as well. The boy is a well known putz. He can putz like no other if the whip is not cracked.

Being that I am whip cracking, ball busting Mom extraordinaire, I told him he had to put his shoes on and brush his teeth.

He was taking exceptionally longer than normal to brush the few teeth he has not lost yet and that have not yet come in.

I run into the bathroom to ask what was taking so long!

To find this:

Now I can see how this looks like your standard tube of toothpaste. But upon further investigation.....I found that the tube was really:

Now to my complete HORROR and shock I asked if he had swallowed any to which he said no. Luckily I caught him in time. I then washed his mouth out as fast and as much as I could. Made him spit out as much nothing as he could and then made him brush his teeth with the correct tube. The actual toothpaste.

Later I pondered what made him think that was toothpaste. I know the only way he could have thought it was toothpaste is because of the tube itself. But the hydrocortisone was actually with the Neosporin and all the other medicinal items. Which told me he had to really really look and climb to reach this, when the toothpaste rests right there on the sink. Big G also told us he happened to brush his teeth with this yesterday!! YIKES. We are so lucky he didn't become deathly ill from brushing his teeth with the cortisone cream. We are also just as lucky he didn't reach for the tube of hemmoroid cream!! DOUBLE YIKES!!

My Quotable Sunday Savior

Be sure to go See Toni @ A Daily Dose of Toni for more great Quotable Sunday Quotes.
This quote has saved me in every way possible.....including my sanity.....from the mouth of the wise Benjamin Franklin who said:

"Believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see."

Life is about perception. Every person's perception is different from another. The same can be said about reality. So as to say that perception is reality, my perception is not the same as your perception which means that my reality is different from your reality.

Which in reality, what I am trying to say, is embrace all that is different. No one way is right, no one way is wrong, just what works, and what does not and even then what works for you may not work for me. Anger over differences means that you lack control...you lack control over oneself and others. In reality, NO ONE is in control of anything EXCEPT themselves. Accept it, let it go, move on. Maybe even grieve a little.