Growing Up is Hard to Do

After posting my New Year's montage the comments from you, my readers, triggered a whirlwind of thoughts. One comment specifically from my friend over @ A Nut In a Nutshell mentioned how I appeared to be a bit of a party girl.

I used to be.

I used to party every night I could from the time I had my own car in high school until....well I grew up. Until sometime in my 20s I found that partying and going to the bars and dealing with all that minutiae was just that. CRAP. A load of bullshit and really, what was the point? What point was there to hitting the bar and drinking until buzzed or partially intoxicated? Fun?! What was so fun about making an ass of oneself? What was so fun about chugging water and taking B12 the following day, possibly even a Bloody Mary for a taste of the hair of the dog that bit you.

But I got over it. I got over the need to sow any wild oats, I got tired of the wasteful spending on alcohol, the running amok and doing what I wanted got old. Real. Fast. Why? Because from 18-25 I got to be me. I had the opportunity to evaluate crucial moments in my life, I lived, I effed up, A LOT, I learned, I was me, for me, and only me. What people don't realize is how much really truly happens in the pivotal age range of 18-25:

• Graduate High school and move out
• Go to College, live on your own, maybe with roommates
• Work first REAL job, maybe while attending college
• Meet life long friends, or continue friendships forged previous to high school
• Graduate college
• Obtain first REAL job with college credentials
  
• Gain life experience
• Possibly buy first car, open first credit card, maybe buy a house 
  
• Do the walk of shame (maybe more than once)
• Get arrested
• Avoid getting arrested
• Get married
• Figure out what you are going to do with your life (generally at age 20 this comes to mind)
• Figure out what you are going to be when you grow up
• Meet a future spouse, or get engaged
  

As you can see a general and brief smorgasbord of events happen from the time you age from 18-25. However, some people never experience these events and the reason why is their life choices which makes their growing up experience much more different. Because their experiences will vary so greatly, their experiences during the pivotal age range will shape their adulthood beyond age 25. Even one (possibly two) bad decisions will transform your life.

The Chad was a wise young man when he shared these facts with me. He was maybe, at best, cresting 25 himself when he shared the fact of growing up to me when I was barely cresting 20. By the time I was 20 I had done almost everything stated above....except get married, figure out what I want to be when I grow up, have kids, I mean I was still a kid myself.

During the time of 18-25 you figure yourself out as a person. A singular person. No longer are you a child in your parents home. No longer are you a student in an "elementary" school, requiring your attendance. You are an adult. A singular being deciphering the game of life, day by day, moment by moment. Curfew is something for kids who "live at home" or at best "Minors" for the sake of calling a legal adult an adult. More time is spent with your friends in a non-parental defying manner. Responsibility is learned, respect, self-respect, boundaries, self-awareness, quite literally you become a person you never thought you knew you could be, were or are. All the while the only responsibility you had...was to yourself. No one else, not to your parents, just yourself, and self-discipline was actualized.

But some do not evolve in this same manner. They missed the polar age range of evolution into albeit adulthood. Because once you crown your late 20s and truly are a "20 something" finally certain life aspects begin to click, the biological clock begins to tick for some, the desire to settle down, the want to be more in life, want more out of life, the realization of some form of deprivation exists in your life. Some desired affirmations:

I want to get married
I want to have children
I want to buy a house, a Lexus, furniture
I want to remodel
I want to be and do more

You begin to sound and act like your parents in a sense. The way they might have acted before having children. The standard progression into "adulthood" if I may. I look back at my pictures that The Chad and I took and we did A LOT. We traveled, we partied (a LOT because we had the means), we bought lots of luxury cars before I was even old enough to receive the late 20s auto insurance discount, I bought a house, got credit cards that were maxed and paid off a lot, and shortly before I turned 25 I realized I wanted more.

So in my time frame I did a lot, I learned A LOT, I cried a lot, cursed growing up, was frustrated, pissed, confused, lost and found, but most of all I had fun. I had fun figuring out what the hell I was doing, where I was going, who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life. I realized what I was and was not ready for, what I could and could not handle, the events that needed time and the events that needed to be put on hold. More so, I saw those who missed out. People who missed the 18-25 bus and did not get the chance to fail and succeed, live and learn, be an individual without anyone or anything tying them down, they missed out on being an "adult" and figuring out how to grow up. I found that I truly grew up, that my late teens and my earliest 20s were for fun. My mid-20s I started to have everything click, my late 20s I truly settled down. I had a son by this time, we bought another house, celebrated some wedding anniversaries, fell down and picked ourselves back up again. I am lucky I had my late teens and early 20s to figure life out by myself, no tie downs, no responsibility except to myself, no boundaries except my own, just me, by myself.

 

Now moving well into my 30s I can look back and laugh. I can enjoy my life of what I did, some of the mistakes I made and definitely learned from, the choice to marry when I did, have kids when I did, to look at the life I was leading and the life I wanted to lead. I grew up. I am still growing up. But now I can admit I know a lot of nothing, where before I thought I knew everything. I can also look back and know I have NO REGRETS. If I regretted any decisions I made, didn't make, should have made, I would not be where I am today. What were your choices? Where are you in your life? Are you still figuring life out?

Here is a beautifully written post by my friend Jenine. You know her as Badger Momma, absolutely breath taking the way 18-25 can shape your life in one way or another.

Plays Well With Others: Kindergarten Lessons

Recently I have been the proud parent of a semi-defiant, attitude riddled, six year old boy who properly dropped the "F" bomb at school in proper context. His outed behavior, society, and a certain community are something of a lesson to be learned.

Lately I have seen buzz, tweets, blogs, posts, blah blah blah about drama drama drama. Here is my fishy take on drama based on the sayings from a wise man, "You are who you associate yourself with."

Roger. Are you scratching your head? Let me say this, if you hang out with people who generate drama, incivility, rudeness, egoism, then you will attract the aforementioned. Maybe you are saying, but I still generate drama and I am "not even doing anything." Again, possibly guilty by association.

My son, he was guilty by association. He associated himself with a behavioral heathen. The boy he was hanging out with had ZERO disciplinarian action at home, clearly. I am sure he is a good boy, but he lacks structure and he happened to rub off on my son who in turn morphed into a behavioral heathen for a few days.

I have seen grown adults act in this manner. Everyday. At work. The store. On the road. At my son's school at the parent pick-up line, and lastly the internet. People acting like a bunch of ninnies! Why? Attention. Chaos. The flat out fact they cannot handle being bored maybe, I am sure they have their unknown reasons.

Additionally, I have seen grown adults name call like a bunch of kindergarteners. I mean seriously!? Nonetheless surprising though when a U.S. Senator goes to such great lengths to call the President of the United States a LIAR! I mean really, great, your opinion, not a fact, and truly what was accomplished by such an action. Nothing. The jackass senator had to issue an apology, he had to grovel, for acting like a putz.

Which segues into why do people call names? Why belittle? And then why claim to support empowerment, community, comraderie, only to turn around when the first person is negative and call them a name? Have you seen the name calling? Troll. Bitch. Idiot. Fraud. Liar. Carpet Bagger (which is my fave....I don't think a lot of name calling ninnies understand the true meaning of this, brush up on US History would you). I am truly perplexed at the back stabbing capabilities and name calling of people. Actions such as these do not even render a school aged genre, but more of what is your point? What are you accomplishing?

My take....which take it or leave it, my feelings cannot be hurt.....my take on the situation of name callers, two faces, and hypocrites is that they do not know how to deal with people who:

1. Have a difference of opinion. Without different opinions life would be dull. Colorless. Bland. My personal intellectual level would drop if I did not have people around me with various outlooks, opinions. Opinions and beliefs are the spice of life, what makes life interesting, note worthy, promotes enlightenment to those who wish to embrace enlightenment with an open mind.
2. Harvest personal feelings of insecurity. People call names because all of the sudden they feel threatened. Hurt. Scared. They might feel less than, so rather than embracing, again, differences in other people, they call names almost like a  "fight or flight" mechanism. They belittle to the point where they themselves are reduced to an ethereal wisp of a soul and then they feel worse.
   
3. Exude a greater amount of personal success on various levels. Name calling and attacks happen too out of jealousy. I personally, I do not envy nor do I get jealous over tiddly things. If I see something that is better, nicer, etc I work harder, smarter, I create a balance. I assess do I really want that and what that better something brings? What are the consequences if any? By embracing that someone has something better, commend them, ask them, "Hey that is awesome, how did you start to end where you are?" People with REAL success do not have to tote it around like a monkey on their back, they do not have to go to great lengths to say "Hey! Look at me! I am a success!" You know the ones, the douche-bag  type that goes and buys a Bentley when he says he cannot afford to pay the employees in his company. Even though they act like a douche, you don't tell them, no reason, you get nowhere that way.

I think a lot of people were taught the correct thing to do in the face of adversity. He or she was taught to embrace, kill people with kindness and get other people talking. If someone comes and bags on what you say, my response would be:

"I appreciate your feedback, but I do not appreciate your insults. What is your take on the matter, I would really like to hear other's opinions?"

This comment will generate a conversation and not an insult fest. If you reply like this:

"Ok Troll. Go FUCK yourself." (Now I am going to go Google Earth your house based on your IP and post for everyone to see how stinking cool I am"

Really...not cool. Besides if someone comes back with their reply, listen, if you don't agree. Say I really appreciate your feedback. People like to be validated. We all do. If our feelings and opinions are not validated then we also go on the attack. Children do it, adults do it. People have feelings and opinions and they should always be respected whether you agree or not. The spice of life, differences, beliefs, color, how boring life would be if those elements were missing.

So next time you run into a sticky situation of playing well with others consider what was said before, is there really any point to belittling and name calling? Be the bigger man, grow a pair and be kind (rewind...ha sorry!) and check out these great ideas from Robert Fulghum, who wrote the book "All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten."

The Dirty Truth

I was so inspired today by my friend Mel and her post. Her words hit home with me and I found the irony in the everyday application, the simple truth.

We as parents go on and on and on about how we want out children to tell us the truth. We scold with no mercy at a fibbing child "Tell me the truth...DON'T LIE TO ME" when we have clearly caught them in a devious act and then they deny their blatant actions. As a parent teaching our children the honor, integrity, and moral fiber of being a truthful individual is a worthy trait, and with time the truth can be told without hurt or pain, as a constructive tool.

But we teach these morals, these sound ethics as a high functioning human being and we ourselves cannot bear to share, tell, or speak the truth. We tell white lies, half truths, bold faced lies, half arsed lies, we omit pertinent information, I mean there is a whole web page that lists every type of lie possible! So why do we as parents instill such noble qualities only to fail ourselves? To fail our children by telling lies, by failing to share the truth, by lying to ourselves?

I for one am a HUGE advocate for the truth. Clearly displayed by my incident with my in laws in the last month. But I am not remorseful, maybe for my presentation.....but not for my honesty. Not for my feelings. NOT for the truth. I hate lying to my kids about even the simplest myths such as Santa, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, because I know that in time the truth will be revealed. I question the reason for these mythical beings, what is the purpose? Big G so badly wants to be a super hero, I had to burst his bubble and explain they don't exist. A man in a blue suit with a cape....Mr. Perfect, does not exist. DH was borderline furious with me, but I felt necessary because I did not want my son to be deluded to thinking perfection is attainable, that perfection exists, that someone walks this Earth that can do no wrong. Again, some may disagree, but if NO ONE told Big G that super heroes don't exist....how long would he believe in such people left only for the writing in a comic book, a fantasy.

Again I question why parents hide the truth? Why they lie? I have spoken to Big G about the financial situation with DH and I. *GASP!! I know right. Well children do need to be aware that money is an object and money is required for somethings and at times not enough money is made or readily available for luxuries. I have spoken to Big G about other issues that parents may feel is breaching a line. Which I feel that line is not breached. I think we have been conditioned by many generations of family secrets, lies, and half truths or cover-ups that we learn the same behavior. We learn the fine art of not telling the whole story or claiming that the information is not suitable for children.

Well, I think this is hogwash. I wish I had been told as a child that my dad drank and was an alcoholic rather than "Daddy had a bad day" as he is puking full ball into a toilet. I wish I was told the truth of my mothers actions at a point in my life so that I did not grow up with such an enormous amount of resentment towards her, I wish my in-laws would not cover up a very tragic incident with my husband's niece that makes me feel uncomfortable around her and not want me children around her for their safety.

I sit down with Big G and with the twins (who look at me like I am nuts, but one day they will get it, so might as well start now) and tell them what they need to know about this family. About where their parents came from, about the adversity we face, the troubles that lie ahead, that if you lie you will only create bigger problems and what is a mole hill of an issue will soon spiral into a mountain that cannot be covered up or cleaned up.

Yes, the truth hurts. But the lies to cover up the dirty truth are even more harsh. People are led to believe in a falsehood, in something that does not exist, that will not exist, and the pain in the let down and the revelation of the truth that was disguised by ugly lies is even more painful. I would hate to be lied to for years, months, even moments, about something when although the truth is painful, the truth be known. I would rather have someone tell me that I AM (well rather was) the fat chick! That my pregnancy and eating while breastfeeding led me to balloon up to the porker I was, and now after conditioning and exercising I am feeling more comfortable in my skin. Yes, my feelings would be hurt, but I was more hurt by the ones I loved that they did not tell me how bad I was.

I just do not understand why the truth is such a difficult topic, why the truth is so hard to be spoken and shared. Why as parents we beat the nobility of truth into our children, but we fail to be completely truthful with our children.

Hide and Seek of Guilty Evidence

Kids, and even adults are so funny when they are busted. I mean they act like "What?" "Who me?" "What are you talking about?"

Big G is the biggest offender of this. He is allowed one sugary type drink or snack a day, if that. And the option is one or the other...NOT BOTH. We limit his sugar because his little body simply cannot metabolize sugar into a normal energy way. I mean most kids get on a sugar high that is completely normal, but my child...WATCH OUT! The boy acts like he received a hearty dose of epinephrine straight to his system. He is like watching a car with nitrous oxide injection, fast, fast, burn, and then the choke out. By choke out, the kid is a disaster, he is completely incorrigible. To some, thats fine they may have the patience to deal with that type of disaster and crisis management. Me? NO THANKS. My boy is even keel, but when sugar kicks in, he is out of hand!

So he has been on his smoothie kick lately. No problem with the smoothies, you get one a day. Just like the Danactive. Even though they are a dairy type drink, the sugar content is enough to push the kid into the Asshole Zone of incorrigible.

While I was in the garage, cleaning and arranging our numerous piles of stuff that needs to be sold, donated, weeded through, trashed, you name it I found empty packages. Empty packages of what you ask? Well the Danactive probiotic yogurt drinks that I told him he can only have one a day.

I pick up the evidence and take said evidence in the house. Knowing full and well, he was the one. DH tosses stuff on the floor of the garage, but not like that, mostly sawdust, and whatever other project he is working on and he does so in a dubious manner. These empty little packages were strategically placed in a very inconspicuous spot. So as not to detect they were there. Little did he know that I am not a complete genius, but I am far from oblivious and stupid.

I confront the boy.

Me: G, what is this?
G: Um......um.......um.......I dunno.
Me: (Clearly pissed at his blatant act of stupidity and failing to fess up) If you lie to me now you will be in more trouble. I ask you again.....What are these?
G: Yogurt drinks.
Me: And why are they empty in the garage....and in hiding places in the garage?
G: Um....um.....um......
Me: Don't start that again, what are they doing in there and hiding? Why did you hide them? Why are you sneaking them?
G: I dunno....(clearly starting to cry and feel sorry for himself for being caught)
Me: You lose the Wii and you no longer get drinks like this again for a week too. You will only drink your organic milk or water. THAT'S IT!!!

What children and some adults have not learned is that you cannot hide something. No matter if that something is bad or good, a trail is always left behind somewhere of something that was done wrong. I know I have found that out.....hence the private blog open ONLY to invitation only (email me if you want an invite add for author or reader). But I love that I put Sitemeter on there so I can still track those who hit that blog, just DYING to read what is written behind the veil of privacy. But the moral that I have taught my kids, and one taught to me is, PUNT....always tell the truth. Kick the ball down field even if you are at the 4th down, with no time outs, and 50 yards to go, everything to lose! Or better yet, if there are two outs, and only a runner on first, just hit the truth as hard as you can. It hurts, man does it hurt, but later you won't have anything eating at your conscience that you didn't try, you didn't give it your all and be true to what you feel. I mean who wouldn't feel the best knowing they hit the ball as hard as they could with the bat, hitting the biggest outfield hit they could, even if caught, they still cranked it out.

From now on, Big G has learned that all you have to do is ask, or just fess up. A simple question. He may not always like the answer, but he will learn as he grows into an adult, we don't always like what we hear or the answer we are given, but at least we got an answer.

The Phoenix Rises

With every life there is death. The story and life of the Phoenix is my favorite. Not only for the immortality but for the story that the Phoenix seems to die a painful death in it's very own flames, and rises anew from it's ashes. Today, I feel like the Phoenix.

I created a very painful death for a part of my life, for personal relationships that exist in my life, some with bearing, others with no bearing, so no real loss, however a death of me nonetheless. As I said before a painful death, one I did not want to experience, but one I did bring upon myself.

The silver lining to all of this is I am risen anew.

I have seen the err of my ways, I have learned a powerful and valuable lesson and lessons. I have gained irreplaceable friendships in this forum that I cherish to every end and they are guiding me, sharing with me, feeling with me. They too share the experiences I do on so many levels. Which is the best part about blogging, is not being alone, knowing that being at home with your kids all day that other mothers share the exact same triumphs, failures, losses, and excitement.

So here I am before you with my fledgling wings, ready to fly again. Having risen from my own fiery death, molten in my own ashes, to rise and have a life of rebirth in my blog, in my writing, and in my life. My lessons learned:

• Know your audience. I from now on will no longer post anything beyond my immediate family or the family that blogs together (sister, sister, etc).
  
• Know your friends and know your enemies, sometimes the friend is a foe.
• Never regret (which I never did, but started to, if you regret, you regret the lesson learned or fail to learn it altogether)
• Never apologize for your feelings, only apologize for hurtful actions, not the hurtful truth.

With that I am creating a new blog, completely private which I love. I will invite readers of my choosing or those who want to read it, or maybe, an idea I was kicking around in the shower, a blog by invitation only where we can share all the crap we are afraid to share anywhere else in a private, trusting, secure forum, we write what we want with no fear of reprisal or retaliation. If you are interested in becoming an author or reader please feel free to email me.
The title is rightfully titled "Letters We Never Intend to Send" where we post everything we want to say so we get the negative feelings out, no one gets hurt, and we ease the personal pain, frustration, anger, etc that we feel in a safe and secure forum.

I am back, I am ready to blog. I am finding peace in my actions, I have learned a lesson, I was the firebird who died among her life and is reborn of the ashes she left behind. Now I am leaving you with the quote that I enjoy so much from the Feng Shui Handbook, a quote that I believe fit me and the way I see myself in my own life and surroundings:

"A mythical bird that never dies, the phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our capacity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environments and the events unfolding within it. The phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration." (feng shui Master Lam Kam Chuen)